A grumpy old curmudgeon of a man enters the parish office of the Holy Rosary Catholic Church, immediately spots the office secretary and says to her, “I want to join this damn church.”
“I beg your pardon, sir,” the astonished secretary replies. “I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”
“Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!”
“I’m very sorry sir, but vile language is not tolerated at the Holy Rosary Church.”
The secretary leaves her desk to find the pastor. In the pastor’s study she informs Father O’Reilly of her foul mouthed visitor. The pastor agrees that the secretary should not have to listen to such foul language.
They both return to front office and Father O’Reilly asks, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”
“There is no damn problem!” the curmudgeon says. “I just won $200 million in the damn lottery, and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money.”
“I see,” says the priest. “And is this bitch giving you a hard time?”
O’Shaughnessy himself and his wife, Elizabeth, had four boys. The older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, which are all typical Irish traits, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.
O’Shaughnessy became so seriously ill that he knew he wasn’t long for this world. As he was lying on his deathbed, he asked his wife, “Honey, before I die, you must be totally honest with me. Is our youngest son my child?”
Elizabeth replied, “I swear on the Blarney stone and everything that’s holy that he is your son.”
Satisfied, at that moment O’Shaughnessy passed away.
Elizabeth then muttered, “Thank the Lord he didn’t ask about the other three.”
Sean and his wife, Patty, wake up in the middle of the night to a pounding on their front door. Sean rushes downstairs to see what the ruckus is about.
He opens his door to a drunk, who is soaking wet from the rain asking him for a push.
“Are you kidding?” Says Sean. “It is 3AM, go away!”
Sean slams the door heading back upstairs to go back to bed. Once he is there, his wife asks him what happened and he explains to her about the drunk.
“You should be ashamed of yourself, Sean O‘Brien!” Patty replies. “Don’t you remember when we were stuck out in the rain in the middle of the night and we needed help. If those nice neighbors hadn’t helped us we would have spent the night in our car. Now, you go out there and give that poor man a push.”
Sean gets dressed for the weather, heading downstairs to help the poor drunk. As he walks outside he calls into the darkness, “Hello, are you still there? Do you still need a push?”
The drunk calls back “Yes, thank you so much, I do.”
“Where are you?” asks Sean.
“Over, here on the porch swing.”
And another Irish Blessing:
May your heart be light and happy
May your smile be big and wide
And may your pockets always have
A tinkle of gold inside.