Category Archives: Irish humor

Slip N Slide, You’re Fired, Bull in Irish Shop – Videos

Slip and Slide Extravaganza

Ron and friends had the house to themselves while the parents were on vacation. How do you think the young lads entertained themselves while mom and dad were away?

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You’re fired

The tough economy is affecting all of us in different ways. Take a look at how some folks are cutting back:

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Bull in an Irish Supervalu

A young bull somehow managed to escape from nearby stockyards in Ballinrobe, County Mayo, Ireland, recently. He must have missed his family and tried looking for them in the meat department of the local Supervalu store.

The lost bovine may very well have been staring his long lost uncle right in the rump roast, but apparently did not recognize his relation in his current state. Have a look at the action for yourself:

That reporter certainly has a flair for using puns, but she probably would have a different attitude if she were the one looking for lost relations in the local deli.

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A Phew Phunny Photos You’ll Like
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Ain’t Nothing More Fun Than Kids and Pets

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Funny Irish Drinking Stories, Limericks, Irish Proverbs and Irish Blessings – Video

I have decided to add the category of limericks to our Irish drinking stories, blessings and proverbs. Ireland does not have a corner on the limerick market, but Ireland has certainly contributed its share in that area. I have always enjoyed limericks, so I hope that you, too, will like the additional fun.

***

As Father Fitzgerald was walking down the street in Dublin, he spied across the way young Michael Donovan, a small boy living in his parish. Michael was at the door of a home across the street attempting to push the doorbell.

But young Michael is on the short side and the doorbell, which is a bit on the high side, was simply too high for him to reach no matter how hard he stretched. Father watched young Michael stretch and strain toward the bell for a short time, but the bell drew no closer to the small child‘s fingers.

Father Fitzgerald strode quickly across the street ending up directly behind Michael standing at the door. While gently placing his hand on the small child’s shoulder, the good man of God bent lower and gave the doorbell a firm, hard ring.

Then, squatting down lower to young Michael’s height, Father Fitzgerald smiled knowingly and asked, “And now what, my young man?”

“Now, Fadder?” replied Michael grinning, “Now we run!”



Limericks

Epitaph on a tombstone somewhere in Pennsylvania:

Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake,
Stepped on the gas
instead of the brake.

Another epitaph in a cemetery in Thurmont, Maryland:

Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.


A true Irishman considers a bore to be someone who constantly interrupts.

A true Irishman considers anyone who won’t come around to his point of view to be hopelessly stubborn.

(Aha! Now I know where I got that trait!)

A true Irishman has so much respect for the truth that he uses it only in emergencies.


The three elderly Gallagher sisters have never married, they go everywhere together and they are all hard of hearing. One windy Spring day as they are walking down the streets of Dublin…

Mary Elizabeth says, “Whew, it is sure windy today.”

Molly replies, “No, no. Today is Thursday.”

Kathleen says, “So am I. Let’s find a bar!


Whenever I dream,
It seems I dream
Of Erin’s rolling hills
Of all its lovely, shimmery lakes
And little babbling rills.
I hear a colleen’s lilting laugh
Across a meadow fair.
And in my dreams
Its almost seems
To me that I am there
O, Ireland! O, Ireland!
We’re Never far apart
For you and all your beauty
Fill my mind and touch my heart.


May the love and protection
Saint Patrick can give
Be yours in abundance
As long as you live.


‘Twas late one Saturday night, when the local Garda (police officer) spied Timothy O’Carroll driving in quite a meandering fashion along the streets of County Cork. After pulling him over, the policeman asked O’Carroll if he had been drinking that night.

“Who told on me?” asked Timothy. “Well, so I have, occifer. So I have,” continued the thoroughly drunk O’Carroll. “It’s Saturday night, you know. Me and me lads, we made a stop by the pub, but I only had six or seven pints, that’s all.”

“But then they had somethin’ called ‘Happy Hour’ during which they served these delicious margaritos, or margaritas? Anyway they are quite good. I had four…no five of those. Then I had promised to drive O’Hara, me friend, home, and he invited me in. Well, I had to go in for a couple pints of Guinness. I really couldn’t be rude, now occifer, Could I? Of course, on the way home I stopped to get another pint for later…”

At that point Timothy began fumbling around inside his coat and suddenly lifted up a bottle of whiskey for the Garda to inspect.

The policeman gave a deep sigh, saying “Sir, you will need to step out of the vehicle to take a breathalyzer.”

Indignantly, O’Carroll replied, “Why? Don’t you believe me?”


Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.


Some days you’re the dog, other days the hydrant.


Another Limerick

There once was an old man of Lyme
Who married three wives at a time.
When asked, “Why a third?”
He replied, “One’s absurd!
And bigamy, sir, is a crime.”


Brian O’Connell drives a double-decker bus through the streets of Dublin. One day a very drunk Timothy Fogarty climbed aboard Brian’s bus taking a seat on the bottom deck near Brian. As you may or may not know, Brian is required not to allow any drunks onto his bus, but today he felt rather light-hearted so he decided to allow the inebriated Fogarty remain on board.

As is his wont when he has had a few Timothy began talking a mean streak, which induced Brian to suggest that Timothy should sit on the upper deck.

“The air up there is clean and fresh, and you will get a much improved view,” encouraged Brian.

Fogarty agreed and stumbled his way up top. However, he returned in only a few minutes.

“What’s wrong?” Brian asked. “Didn’t you like it better up there?”

Timothy replied, “It’s okay. But it’s too dangerous.”

“Too dangerous?” queried Brian. “How is that?”

“There’s no driver,” answered Fogarty.

At the very next stop two more drunks climbed on board the bus. The first drunk was Bill O‘Brien and the second was Tommy Lynch. Bill asked driver O‘Connell, “Will this bus take me to 35th Avenue?”

“No, it won’t,” answered Brian.

After a short pause, Tommy Lynch asked, “What about me?”



For our video today we present the voice of Orla Fallon of Celtic Woman singing “Isle of Inisfree:”

Yet More Irish Drinking Stories, Proverbs and Blessings – Thank You

Fiddlin LeprechaunWild Weekend

Timothy Byrne spent last weekend all the way over in America in Las Vegas. Believe it or don’t, he won over $100,000, playing mostly at the dice tables.

Knowing that all of his friends and relations would be trying to borrow money from him if they knew about his good fortune, he contemplated what he should do with his new found wealth. Upon arriving home late at night, he immediately went into the darkness of his backyard, where he dug a hole and buried the money.

Upon awakening the next morning he was feeling very chipper about his winnings, so he decided to take a quick look in his yard to check on the security of his money. When he arrived at the burial site, all he found was an empty hole.

Enraged and beside himself, Timothy fell upon the ground in despair. As he lay on the lawn he noticed a fresh layer of dew on the grass, and in that dew were footprints.

Timothy quickly jumped up and followed the footprints to the house next door, where an Asian immigrant, new to the country, had recently moved.

Timothy knew the immigrant spoke only his native language, but he also had seen the language professor from across the street speaking to the immigrant. He ran into his house, fetched his revolver and quickly darted over to the professor’s house.

Forcing open the professor’s door, Timothy charged inside and dragged the professor out of bed. Even though she was still in her nightgown, the professor immediately complied because the entire neighborhood was well aware of Timothy’s vile temper and what he might do while enraged.

Timothy pulled the professor still in her bare feet across the street to the immigrant’s house and burst through the front door. Timothy placed his revolver up to the immigrant’s head and said to the professor, “Tell this guy that if he doesn’t give me my money back right now, I’ll kill him.”

At that point Timothy cocked his pistol which was pointed directly at the immigrant’s temple.

Seeing the fear in the immigrant’s eyes the professor quickly relayed Timothy’s threat to him. The immigrant was very afraid for he immediately responded that he hid the money in his back yard under the wood pile.

The professor turned to face Timothy and translated, “He said he’s not going to tell you. He said he would rather die first.”

*****

To Happiness:

Health and long life to you.
The wife of your choice to you.
A child every year to you,
And life without rent to you
And may you be half an hour in heaven
Before the devil knows your dead.

*****

A true Irishman sees things not as they are, but as they will never be.

*****

At the Race Track

Kathleen O’Halloran and Molly McGraw, two of County Cork’s most honored teachers, were escorting a large group of 2nd, 3rd, and 4th graders on a field trip. They were going to the local race track to learn about the racing industry and most importantly about thoroughbred horses.

As the day wore on, naturally, the children needed to use the facilities. Kathleen O’Halloran escorted the girls to the ladies room and Molly McGraw took the boys to the men’s room.

While Molly was waiting outside the men’s room for the boys, one of them came out to her and said, “Ms. McGraw, we need help. We’re all too short to reach the urinal.”

Because there was no alternative, Molly went inside the men’s room and started lifting each one up high enough to use the urinal. The first boy immediately began spraying his all over the place, so Molly also had to “grab onto” each boy’s unit to prevent them from getting their clothes wet.

While she lifted one of the larger boys, she immediately noticed that he was rather well endowed. Molly wanted to avoid staring so she said to him, “You must be in the 4th.”

“Na, ma’am,” he replied. “I’m in the 6th, riding Golden Fleece, but thanks for the lift.”

*****


A true Irishman gets more Irish the farther he gets from Ireland.


*****


A Prayer for Humor:

Grant me a send of humor, Lord,
the saving grace to see a joke,
To win some happiness from life,
And pass it on to other folk.

*****


Patty Takes a Lover

That naughty Patty Murphy has been seeing another man during the day while her hard working husband, Thomas, is out earning wages. One day her 8-year-old son, Michael, arrives home early from school quite unexpectedly, and bounds up to the master bedroom looking for his mum. The boy catches Patty and her lover in bed together, so Patty quickly pushes Michael into the closet and shuts the door because she doesn‘t know what else to do.

Just at that moment, as fate would have it, her hard working husband, Thomas, also comes home early unexpectedly seeking a little afternoon rendezvous with his wife. Thomas is downstairs shouting, “Patty, I’m home. Where are you, my love?”

Patty nervously pushes her lover into the closet with Michael.

The little boy quietly says, “Dark in here.”

Patty’s lover quietly replies, “Yes, it is.”

Michael whispers, “I have a skateboard.”

Says the lover, “That’s nice.”

Michael senses an opportunity and asks, “Want to buy it?”

“No, thanks,” answers the lover.

“But, my dad’s outside,” counters Michael in a slightly louder voice.

The lover catches on and quietly asks, “Ah! I see! How much?”

Michael replies, “Only $500.”

Two weeks later the same thing happens all over again. Michael and the lover are again inside the closet together.

Says Michael quietly, “Dark in here.”

The lover whispers, “Yes, it is.”

Michael quietly says, “I have a helmet.”

The lover, recalling the blackmail from last time, asks the enterprising boy, “I’ll bet you do. How much?”

Michael replies, “Just $300.”

“Fine,” replies the lover.

Just a few days later Thomas, the father, says to Michael, his son, “Go get your helmet and skateboard so you can show me how well you ride.”

Michael replies, “I can’t, Dad. I sold them.”
Says Michael, “$800.”Thomas asks, “What! How much did you sell them for?”

Thomas replies, “Michael, that’s a terrible thing to overcharge your friends like that. That is much more than they are worth. We’re going to church and you are going to confess to Father O’Hara.”

At the church Thomas takes Michael to the confessional and tells the lad to go inside, shutting the door behind him.

Once inside the dark confessional Michael says, “Dark in here.”

Father O’Hara replies, “Don’t start that crap again.”

*****

A Blessing for Luck

May your pockets be heavy,
Your heart be light
And may good luck pursue you
Each Morning and night.

*****

Any Irish lad or lass will tell you how they remember their dear mum singing lullabies to them while rocking them to sleep when they were young or sick in bed as a child. The song that Irish folks remember above all of the rest is Tura Lura.

It mattered not whether mother could sing well because the tune brings back such warm and glowing memories of mother’s love that nothing else mattered when she was near. Most Irish folk would give anything to hear their dear mother sing Tura Lura just one more time.

For many of us that can never happen, so a rendition by the Irish Tenors will have to do. These lads sing better than angels from above, so be sure to tarry long enough to listen to their version of Tura Lura:

Irish Drinking Stories, Blessings and Proverbs Galore – Video

Hopping LeprechaunAh! Irish drinking stories, Irish blessings and Irish proverbs are my favorite posts. If for some reason I could not post these, I might forget the activity altogether. And we do have some remarkable samples today, if I do say so myself.

Thomas O’Shea, an Irish solicitor from Waterford County, was on holiday in the country doing a bit of fox hunting. After a long chase and a valiant effort on the part of the fox, his group’s wounded prey had somehow managed to wiggle through a very small hole in a farmer’s fence and had met its end in the farmer’s field just the other side of the fence. The group’s dogs were unable to get through the fence, so they all gathered nearby the fence hole and at the same time were letting out a howling and ruckus that could be heard throughout the countryside.

As O’Shea dismounted his horse and began climbing over the fence to retrieve the fox, the elderly farmer who owned the land was drawn over to the site by the dogs’ incessant barking. The farmer, who went by the name of William Walsh, suddenly appeared before O’Shea and asked him what he was up to.

The litigator replied, “I shot that fox that you see lying there that my dogs chased over the countryside and through your fence, and now I intend to pick it up.”

However, old man Walsh had a different take on the situation and said to O’Shea in a rather smart tongue, “This is my property that ye’ve crossed onto, and I’m a’tellin’ ye that ye’re not takin’ my fox with ye.”

“Your fox!” cried O’Shea, who had become indignant at the mere thought that the fox belonged to the farmer. “I’ll have you know that I’ve chased that fox for kilometers, I have. Over hills and dales and through creek beds we ran. I’ve chased down that fox fair and square, and I intend to take it back with me to the clubhouse, oh yes I do!”

Old William Walsh replied, “The law says ye cannot hunt on a farmer’s land without his permission, and ye do not have my permission. The fox is mine.”

“The law!” yelled O’Shea. “I’ll have you know that I’m one of the very best solicitors in all of Ireland, I am. If you don’t let me retrieve that fox, I’ll take you to court for everything that you own!”

Old man Walsh cast a cagey eye over his adversary, then he said, “Well now, being as how ye’re a city feller and not from around here, ye don’t know how folks around here settle these things. Hereabouts we use the triple-kick method.”

“And what might that be?” asked the lawyer, sensing that there may be a way to settle this to his satisfaction.

Old Walsh said, “First I kick ye three times. Then ye do the same to me. We go back and forth like that till one or ta udder gives up.”

Thomas O’Shea ran this thought over in his mind. He soon decided that he could easily take this old man, and quickly agreed to the farmer‘s offer.

The old farmer slowly walked over to O‘Shea. Then he suddenly swung a hard right kick that implanted the toe of his heavy work boot into the solicitor’s privates, a kick that dropped Thomas O’Shea quickly to his knees.

The farmer then let loose with a second blow to O’Shea’s face that nearly broke the lawyer’s nose clean off of his face.

O’Shea lay prostrate on the ground in agony as the farmer prepared his third kick. It landed smack dab in the solicitor’s kidney forcing him to arch his back in profound pain. Writhing in absolute agony, the attorney was unsure whether or not he would be able to rise now that his turn had come.

Severe pain wracked O’Shea’s entire body as he dug deep down into his very soul for every ounce of will power and strength. Slowly, he dragged himself to an upright position with only thoughts of revenge raging through his head. O’Shea growled to Walsh, “Okay, you old fart, now it’s my turn.”

To which old man Walsh just smiled and said, “Naw! I believe that I’ll give up now. Ye won. Ye can have the fox.”


An Irish Drinking Toast
:

May your glass be ever full,
May the roof over your head be always strong,
And may you be in heaven
Half an hour before the devil knows you’re dead.

*****

Another Irish Toast:

Tis better to spend money like there’s no tomorrow than to spend tonight like there’s no money!

*****

Grady Quinn entered McCafferty’s Pub looking for someone he might know. He spied old Colin Murphy alone at a table, drinking all by himself and drinking fast and loose, he was. As Grady approached old Colin he noticed that Colin looked in terrible shape. “Colin,” said Grady. “You look just terrible, you do. What’s wrong my friend?”

Said Colin, “Me mother died in July, leavin’ me $40,000, she did.”

“Oh No!” replied Grady. “Well, no wonder you…”

“Wait!” interrupted Colin. “There’s more. Then in August me dear dad up and passed from the consumption. The dear man left me $80,000, he did.”

“Well, Colin, that’s just awful,” answered Grady. “Losing both of your parents in two months time would put a strain on the best of us, it would. No wonder you’re in here drinkin’ your sorrows away.”

“Listen!” said Colin. “There’s more yet. Then last month me favorite aunt fell sick and passed, just like that, she did. The dear soul left me $38,000.”

“Oh, Colin! You poor, poor man,” said Grady. “Losin’ three dear loved ones in just three months time. How terribly sad.”

“Then this month!” continued Colin. “This month came and went, it did. And…nothing!…absolutely nothing!”

*****


An Irish Blessing to Luck:

“May you have all the happiness
and luck that life can hold—
And at the end of all your rainbows
may you find a pot of gold.”

*****

Another Irish Blessing to Luck:

“May the luck of the Irish
Lead to happiest heights
And the highway you travel
Be lined with green lights.”

*****

Tis a little known fact that the Irish claim that Jesus was Irish. Of course, the claim usually arises only after a few pints have been consumed.

So, why do the Irish believe that Jesus was Irish?

Because he was 33, still lived at home, thought his mother was a virgin and she thought he was the son of God.

*****

Another Irish Blessing:

Like the warmth of the sun
And the light of the day,
May the luck of the Irish
Shine bright on your way.

*****

And we end our Blessings with a Gaelic Prayer that is centuries old. There are many versions of this Blessing, and this is but one of them:

Deep peace of the running waves to you.
Deep peace of the flowing air to you.
Deep peace of the smiling stars to you.
Deep peace of the quiet earth to you.
Deep peace of the watching shepherds to you.
Deep peace of the Son of Peace to you.

*****

Our video once again features Celtic Woman this time singing “Spanish Lady”:

More Irish Drinking Stories, Blessings and Proverbs

reddit_url=’http://mccaffertyspub.blogspot.com/2008/07/irish-drinnking-stories-blessings-and.html’
reddit_title=’Irish Drinking Stories, Blessings and Proverbs Galore – Video’

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Irish Drinking Stories, Blessings and Proverbs to Soothe the Soul

I do not post any Irish Drinking Stories that I personally do not find funny. So I hope that these stories, blessings and proverbs hit your funny bone the same as they do mine.

So you might understand the first story a little better, Garda is short for Garda Siochana na hEireann, which is Irish for “Peace Guard of Ireland” or “Guardians of the Peace of Ireland”–in short, a policeman.

Ol’ Murphy, the local Garda was always a disagreeable sort and today was no exception. He stopped Michael O’Connor, a local farmer, on a ridiculously minor traffic infraction and proceeded to berate poor O’Connor up one side and down the other. Murphy was truly taking an unfair advantage of his position as Policeman.

After Murphy finished his lecture, which O’Connor had patiently accepted, the constable began writing poor O’Connor up. While he was doing his writing, Murphy continually kept swatting at flies that circled around his head.

“The circle flies a botherin’ ye, are they, Murphy?” said Michael.

“And why do ye call ’em circle flies, old man?” asked the policeman.

“Well, on the farm, we call ’em that ’cause we always find ’em flying round and round the horses’ behinds,” replied O’Connor.

“Are you darin’ te be callin’ me a horse’s arse?” growled the Garda, who was so big and tall that he towered over the likes of the farmer, O‘Connor.

“Oh! Jesus, Mary and Joseph, no!” the farmer loudly protested. “I would never even think of doin’ any such thing.”

Thinking that he had intimidated O’Connor, Murphy returned to his writing.

“…kinda hard to fool the flies, though,” said O’Connor.

*****

May the grass grow long on the road to Hell for want of use.

*****

These things,
I warmly wish for you-
Someone to love,
Some work to do,
A bit of o’ sun
A bit o’ cheer
And a guardian angel
Always near.

*****

The English and the Irish have been at odds with each other for generations, so the following story will come as no surprise to anyone familiar with the history of the two countries.

As two very proper English ladies were discussing their vacation plans on a London street corner one day, Miss Molly O’Malley, a fine Irish lady, who was waiting for the trolley could not help overhearing.

“We are planning a simply lovely holiday in Devon this year,” said the first Englishwoman in a haughty tone.

“Oh you mustn’t do that,” replied the second Englishwoman. “There are far too many Irish there in Devon! It would be simply awful.”

“Oh! Dear me!” said the first English lady. “Well, where are you going to go?”

“Salisbury,” replied the second woman in a knowing manner.

“But Salisbury is simply crawling with Irish! That would be just terrible!” the first Englishwoman objected.

It was at this point that Miss Molly, the Irish lady, could bite her tongue no longer. “Why don’t ye both go t’ hell,” she interjected. “There’ll be no Irish there!”

*****

May your troubles be less
And your blessing be more
And nothing but happiness
Come through your door

*****

A true Irishman is very good at weekends, but not very good at the middle of the week.

*****

Although it was barely noon with the sun straight overhead, ol’ Fogarty already had a strong start at imbibing a healthy share of Guinness. In short, he was quite a bit nearer to a state of inebriation than he was to sobriety. Okay, truth be told, he was so drunk that he staggered from side to side as he walked along the street.

As he haltingly stepped first this way, then that, even a casual observer could see the state he was in. Two nuns who were approaching him noticed his condition immediately and were naturally quite nervous at the thought of passing near a man so drunk.

As they neared Fogarty, the two nuns split far apart with one walking wide to Fogarty’s left and the other walking just as wide to his right.

After the nuns had passed him by, Fogarty spun around and said, “Now how in the hell did she do that?”

*****

Now, an Irish Drinking Toast:

Here’s to me, and here’s to you,
And here’s to love and laughter.
I’ll be true as long as you,
And not one moment after.

*****

May you always have a clean shirt, a clear conscience, and enough coins in your pocket to buy a pint!

*****

Speaking of soothing the soul. Try another dose of Celtic Woman, which is a sure fire way to ease anyone’s spirit. Here they are performing Orinoco Flow.

More Irish Blessings
More Irish Proverbs
More Irish Drinking Stories
Celtic Woman

An Overabundance of Irish Drinking Stories, Irish Blessings and Irish Proverbs

Coin Flipping LeprechaunAh! Today we have an overabundance of funny Irish drinking Stories, heart warming Irish Blessings and insightful Irish proverbs, to be sure! Some of these are favorites of mine, so, hopefully, they will be favorites of yours. Peruse at your leisure.

Michael Harrington was at his weekly session in the office of his psychologist, Dr. O’Phelen. Michael said to his doctor, “Dr. O’Phelen, We had a family gathering last week end at my mother-in-law’s home, who, as I have told you before, makes a terrible pest of herself with her controlling behavior by butting into my marriage. I believe that I made a terrible Freudian slip while speaking to her.”

Dr. O’Phelen replied, “Well, it couldn’t have been that bad. What did you say to her?”

“Well,” replied Michael, “I had intended to say, ‘could you please pass the butter?’ But instead I said, ‘You silly cow! You have completely ruined my life.’”

*****

May you be poor in misfortune,
rich in blessings,
slow to make enemies,
quick to make friends.
But rich or poor, quick or slow,
may you know nothing but happiness
from this day forward.

*****

A true Irishman cries at sad movies, but cheers in battle.

*****

Kenny Sheehan is sitting in the pub, just looking at his drink. He doesn’t take so much as a sip of it, but, instead, he simply sits there staring at his drink for over an hour.

Big Mick Muldoon, who is six-foot-four and the village’s local trouble-maker has been watching ol’ Kenny for some time. Muldoon walks over to Kenny, takes Kenny’s drink and downs it in a single gulp.

Poor Kenny begins crying, so Big Muldoon says, “Aw, C’mon Kenny, I was only joking. Let me buy you another drink. I just hate to see an Irishman cry.”

“No, it’s not that, Muldoon. It’s just that this is the worst day of me life, and nothing has gone right for me this whole day. First, I’m late for work, I am, and for the umpteenth time to boot! So my boss…well, he finally fires me, he does.

“As I leave work to go to my car, it’s not where I parked it and I learn it’s been stolen. Ol’ Officer Billy Burns tells me there is little or nothing he can do about it, ye see.

“So I hail a cab to go home, but, as the cabbie drives off, I realize I left my wallet and credit cards inside the cab, I did.

“Discouraged and dejected, I drag meself inside me house. But when I get inside, I find me wife is in bed with our gardener. Oh, that woman broke me heart, she did.

“After that, I just had to get out of the house, so I walk down to the pub. As I’m sitting here thinking about ending me life, you show up and drink me poison.”

*****

May brooks and trees and singing hills
Join in the chorus too,
And every gentle wind that blows
Send happiness to you.

*****

An Irishman considers funerals a festivity but weddings sad events to be put off as long as possible, preferably forever.

*****

Patrick McMahon and Michael O’Shea bumped into each other on St. Stephen Green on the streets of Dublin, Ireland. Said O’Shea to McMahon, “Have ye seen ol’ Fogarty lately, Pat?”

Pat replied, “Well, I have, and then again I haven’t.”

O’Shea then asked, “Well, tell me now, McMahon, and what d’ye mean by that, ye have and then again ye haven‘t?”

“Well, Mick,” replied Patrick McMahon. “It’s like this. Ye see…I saw a chap who at first I thought was Fogarty. Then he saw a chap that he thought was me.”

“But, when we got up ta one another…it wasn’t neither of us.”

*****

May your home be filled with laughter
May your pockets be filled with gold
And may you have all the happiness
Your Irish heart can hold.

*****

Regardless of your heritage, your politics or your ethnicity, how can you not appreciate Celtic Woman? Here they are singing “Ave Maria.”

 

A Raft of Irish Drinking Stories, Blessings and Proverbs

It is our pleasure to present a raft of Irish drinking stories, Irish Blessings and Irish Proverbs. One of the special enjoyments of indulging in these Irish treasures is the absence of any hangover the morning after.

Doctor O’Dwyer, an Irish psychiatrist working at a New York mental asylum, planned to take some of his more well-adjusted patients to a New York Yankees baseball game. So, for a few weeks in advance, he coached them on their behavior and how they should respond to his commands while attending the game.

Once game day arrived, his patients appeared to be responding well to his orders. The national anthem began playing and the good doctor ordered, “Up Nuts,” and his patients all promptly stood up.

When the anthem had finished, he yelled, “Down Nuts,” and all of the patients immediately sat back down.

The home team hit a home run, so Doctor O’Dwyer yelled, “Cheer Nuts.” The patients obediently applauded and cheered.

Then the umpire made a close call against Derek Jeter, a Yankees star player. So the doctor yelled, “Boo Nuts!” and his patients began booing.

The doctor was very pleased about how well things were going, so he decided to go to the men’s room leaving his medical assistant in charge.

But upon returning, the doctor found a riot, and his patients were in fist fights with the nearby fans. The doctor pushed his way through the fighters, found his assistant and asked, “Good Lord, man! What on earth happened?”

His assistant replied, “Everything was going just fine until a vendor walked by and yelled, “Peanuts!”

*****

An Irish blessing by E. Gary Brooks, a remarkable poet:

Take me home to Shamrock Hill
The glorious place of my birth
Where the glens are green and the heather grows,
‘Tis the prettiest place on earth.
The wind blows free and the air is fresh
And I still hear a rippling rill.
My heart is sad, but it could be glad.
Take me home to Shamrock Hill.

*****

A true Irishman can argue either side of a question, often at the same time.

*****

Paddy Harrington and Mick O’Shea were strolling home after a night of Guinness when a severed head suddenly rolled along the ground landing right at their feet.

Mick picked up the head and held it up to his face saying to Paddy, “Saints preserve us Paddy! But, doesn’t that look like Sean to you.”

Paddy replied, “No Mick, Sean was taller than that, he was.”

*****

May joy and peace surround you,
Contentment latch your door,
And happiness be with you now
And bless you evermore.

*****

It was teacher appreciation day at Saint Mary’s school in County Cork, and Miss O’Hara, a kindergarten teacher sat at her desk receiving gifts from her students.

Tommy Flanagan, the florist’s son, handed her his present. Miss O’Hara shook it and held it above her head saying, “I’ll bet I know what this is. It’s Flowers.”

“That’s right!” Tommy said. “How did you know?”

“It was just a wild guess,” said Miss O‘Hara.

Molly Kane, the candy store owner’s daughter, brought up her present next. Miss O’Hara held the gift aloft, shook it a bit and said, “I know what this is. It‘s a box of candy!”

“Wow! That’s right, Miss O‘Hara! But how did you know?” asked Molly.

“Just a lucky guess, Molly” Miss O’Hara said.

Next was Billy Kelly, the liquor store owner’s son. Billy presented a large box to Miss O’Hara, who, again, held the gift high over her head.

This gift was leaking, so Miss O’Hara dabbed a drop of the leakage on her finger and tasted it. “Is it wine?” she asked.

“No, Miss O’Hara,” Billy replied.

The teacher tasted another drop of the leakage with her tongue. “Perhaps it’s champagne?” she asked.

“No, Miss O‘Hara,” Billy again replied, smiling because the teacher could not guess his present.

Then Miss O’Hara said, “I give up, Billy. What is it?”

Billy answered, “It’s a puppy!”

*****

May you be half an hour in Heaven Before the Devil knows you’re dead.

*****

And Have you forgotten that U2 is from Ireland? Now there is an accomplished band. Here is Beautiful Day by U2.

More Irish Humor

A Bevy of Irish Drinking Stories, Blessings and Proverbs

It is time for another blend of Irish drinking stories, Irish blessings and Irish proverbs. I believe that we have a few here that may just warm the cockles of your heart.

Let us begin with a St. Paddy’s Day toast:

Here’s to a long life and a merry one.
A quick death and an easy one
A pretty girl and an honest one
A cold beer – and another one!

*****

May you die in bed at ninety-five years, shot by a jealous husband (or wife).

*****

O’Brien, a retired electrical engineer, was attending the homecoming football game at his old alma mater, Notre Dame, one crisp fall afternoon.

He had been talking football to a college freshman sitting next to him when the conversation turned to electronics and how quickly the world was now changing.

The freshman said that it would be impossible for O’Brien’s generation to understand his.

“You grew up in a different world,” the freshman said loud enough for the everyone nearby to hear.

“Today we have television, jet planes, and space travel,” the freshman continued. “Man has walked on the Moon, and our spaceships have visited Mars.”

“We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing and…”

Suddenly O‘Brien interrupted the young student and also spoke loud enough to be heard by those nearby, “You’re right. We didn’t have those things when I was young; so we invented them. What the hell are you doing for the next generation?”

*****

To Ireland:

Here’s to the land of the shamrock so green,
Here’s to each lad and his darlin’ colleen,
Here’s to the ones we love dearest and most.
May God bless old Ireland, that’s this Irishman’s toast!

*****

To Luck:

If you’re enough lucky to be Irish…
You’re lucky enough!

*****

Mrs. Fogarty was sitting on a sofa during the wake of her departed husband, Fogarty, to whom she had been married for 46 years.

Mrs. McGraw, one of her close neighbors, was trying to console Mrs. Fogarty by asking her, “46 years of marriage is remarkable my dear. You and Fogarty, himself, must have been very happy to stay together so long.”

To which Mrs. Fogarty replied, “For twenty three years my husband and I were the happiest people in the world. Then we met.”

*****

To Friendship:

May the lilt of Irish laughter
lighten every load.
May the mist of Irish magic
shorten every road…
And may all your friends remember
all the favors you are owed!

*****

An Irish Curse:

May the enemies of Ireland never meet a friend.

*****

Old man Gallagher is lying on his deathbed after a vigorous life of 89 years. Gathered around him are his children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren, who are all saddened and teary-eyed at the nearing finale of Gallagher’s very long and productive life.

The weakened old man is in a deep coma, and old Doc O’Brien has said that the waiting should be over in less than twenty-four hours.

Suddenly, Gallagher opens his eyes, awakening from his coma, and remarks, “I must be in heaven already! I smell grandmother’s potato cakes!”

“No, grandfather,” says young Sean, a grandson. “You are not in heaven yet. Grandmother is baking home made bread and potato cakes right now as we speak.”

The dying Gallagher says, “Sean, could you please fulfill my last dying request. This will be the last time that I taste one of grandmother’s famously delicious potato cakes.”

“Would you please go down and get me just a small piece?” the old man asks with what is left of his rapidly declining breath.

Sean immediately dispatches young Michael, one of Gallagher’s great grandchildren, to fulfill the old man’s last request.

After quite a long time, young Michael returns empty-handed.

“Did you bring me one last piece of your great grandmother’s delicious potato cakes, Michael?” the dying old man asks.

“I’m very sorry great grandfather,” young Michael sheepishly replies. “But she says it’s for the funeral.”

*****

Our video today is the Irish tune “Lassie,” and is sung by the Irish Tenors. If you have not seen the Tenors perform, you are in for a treat.

More Irish Humor

Irish Drinking Stories, Proverbs and Blessings Once Again

Coin Flip

It is time for more Irish drinking stories, Irish blessings and Irish proverbs. Here are my latest:

Ballerina

A large obnoxious woman, wearing a sleeveless dress, walks into McCafferty‘s Pub and eyes the patrons drinking at the bar. Raising her right arm and revealing a huge, hairy armpit, she points to all the people sitting on bar stools and asks, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?”

The whole bar is struck silent as each patron tries his best to ignore her. However, down at the end of the bar, old Colin Collins, drunk as could be, slams his money down on the bar bellowing, “Give the ballerina a drink!”

McCafferty, the bartender, pours the lady a pint of Guinness and she downs the entire drink immediately. Turning again to the pub’s patrons, she again points at all of them with a sweep of her immense arm, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asks, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?”

And again, old Colin slaps his money down upon the bar, saying: “Give the ballerina another drink!”

McCafferty approaches Colin asking “Colin, my old friend, it is your business if you want to buy this woman a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?”

Old Colin, in his drunken stupor, replies, “Any woman who can lift her leg that high has to be a ballerina!”

*****

May you have the hindsight to know where you’ve been
the foresight to know where you’re going
and the insight to know when you’re going too far.

*****

May we be alive at the same time next year.

*****

Devotion to Your Lover

Timothy O’Sullivan and Michael O’Connor were out hacking at the fairways one beautiful Spring day.

Just as Timothy was about to chip onto the 9th green, he spied a long funeral procession parading down the road adjacent to the golf course.

Timothy halted his swing, removed his cap, and bowed his head reverently in prayer.

Upon seeing his friend responding so fervently to the funeral procession Michael said, “Timmy, I am amazed at ye. That is one of the most remarkably touching things I have ever seen ye do. Ye are truly kind and a man of God, ye are.”

To which Timothy replied, “Well, ye know, it’s the least I can do. We were married 35 years, we were.”

*****

May you have warm words on a cold evening,
a full moon on a dark night,
and a smooth road all the way to your door.

*****

A true Irishman won’t eat meat on Friday, but will drink gin for breakfast.

*****

Modern Medicine

Old Thomas O’Doherty was increasingly afflicted with terrible headaches as he aged. Eventually his love life began to suffer because of the headaches, so he decided to seek medical advice.

However, he went from one specialist to another without finding a cure. One day he went to see Dr. Flynn, who finally was able to solve Thomas’ headache affliction.

Said Dr. Flynn, “I have both good and bad news. The good news is I can cure your headaches, but the bad news is that the cure will require the surgical removal of your testicles.”

“I am afraid that you have an unusually rare condition that causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The resulting pressure is creating one enormous headache, and the only way to ease the pressure is to take out your testicles.”

Poor Thomas took the news with both shock and despair. “Do I have anything left to live for?” He wondered.

But Thomas felt so anguished, he could not even formulate an answer to his own question. However, he finally decided that he had no choice. The testicles must go.

After the surgery as Thomas left the hospital, he rejoiced that his headaches were now gone. However, he felt depressed because an important part of himself was also gone.

While walking down the street, he realized that his life might now be greatly improved. He could now make a new beginning for himself and live a pain free life.

As he strode past a men’s clothing store, Thomas thought, “A new suit would be a fitting celebration.”

After entering the shop Thomas told the salesman, “I have decided to treat myself to a new suit.”

After eyeing Thomas from head to toe, the salesman said, “You look like a size 44 long.”

Thomas was amazed and laughed, “however did you know?”

“It’s my job,” replied the salesman.

Upon trying on a 44 long, Thomas found that it fit perfectly. As Thomas admired himself in the mirror, the salesman inquired, “Perhaps you would like a new shirt to compliment your new suit?”

Thomas responded, “Why not?”

Once again the salesman eyed Thomas’ neck and arms, saying, “Looks to me like a 16 and one half neck and a 35 sleeve.”

“That is amazing,” said Thomas. “But however did you know?”

“It’s my job,” said the salesman.

As Thomas tried on the shirt, of course it fit perfectly. Then the salesman asked, “I believe that we have the perfect new shoes to go with your new suit!”

Thomas replied, “Let’s go for it!”

Once again the salesman’s magic eye perused Thomas’ feet, and he said, “I believe 9-1/2 E.”

Thomas was astonished, “Right again! However did you know?”

“It’s my job,” responded the salesman.

Naturally, the shoes fit perfectly. As Thomas admired his new look in the mirror, the salesman said, “Underwear!”

Immediately Thomas replied, “Alright.”

As he eyed Thomas again the salesman said, “Size 36 waist.”

This time Thomas laughed, “It looks like I’ve got you this time. I have worn size 34 since I was only 18 years old.”

But the salesman shook his head saying, “Sir, you cannot wear a size 34. That would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one enormous headache.”

*****

An Irishman believes that to forgive is divine, and therefore doesn’t exercise it himself.

*****

Here’s to you, as good as you are.
Here’s to me as bad as I am.
As good as you are and as bad as I am,
I’m as good as you are, as bad as I am.

The video below is Celtic Woman singing “Over the Rainbow.”

More Irish Drinking Stories, Proverbs and Blessings

A Pack of Irish Drinking Stories, Irish Blessings and Irish Proverbs

For your edification and enjoyment, may I present to you another pack of Irish drinking stories, Irish blessings and Irish proverbs:

Paddy was trapped in a bog and thought himself to be a goner when Big Mick O’Reilly happened to wander by.

“Help! Help me!” Paddy yelled, “Oi’m sinking!”

“Don’t you worry yourself, Paddy,” said Mick assuredly. “Next to the Strong Man Muldoon, Oi’m the strongest lad in Erin, I am. Oi’ll pull ye right out of that mess, I will.”

With that, Big Mick leaned over grabbing Paddy’s hand and he pulled and he pulled, but to no avail.

Two more times, Big Mick pulled, but still no luck. After the last attempt, Mick said to Paddy, “Sure, but Oi cannot do it, Paddy. The Strong Man Muldoon could do it alone, maybe, but Oi’ll have to go get us some help.”

As Mick was preparing to leave to get help, Paddy called out, “Mick! Mick! Do ye think it would help if Oi pulled me feet out of the stirrups?”

*****

It s no use carrying an umbrella if your shoes are leaking

*****

Leprechauns, castles
good luck and laughter,
lullabies, dreams
and love ever after.
Poems and songs
with pipes and drums,
a thousand welcomes
when anyone comes…
That’s the Irish for you!

*****

This transcript of official Court testimony reportedly occurred in County Cork court, deep in Munster, Ireland:

Said the court Solicitor, “Now, if you please, Mr. O’Flaherty, at the scene of the accident, did you tell the Garda officer that you had never felt better in your life?”

O’Flaherty, a farmer, replied, “That’s correct, sir. Yes, I did.”

The Solicitor then asked, “Well, Mr. O’Flaherty, would you please tell the court how can it be that you are now claiming to be seriously injured when my client’s car hit your cart?”

O’Flaherty replied, “When the Garda arrived, he walked over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him without even a how do you do.”

“Then he walked over to Darcy, my dear dog, my lifelong companion, who was also quite badly hurt, and shot him.”

“So, when the Garda asked me how I felt, under the circumstances, I thought that it was a wise choice of words to say I’d never felt better in me life.”

*****

The best way to keep loyalty in a man’s heart is to keep money in his purse.

*****

A group of hunters, out on holiday, were driving along searching for a place to hunt, when they pulled their vehicle into a farmer’s yard in County Waterford, Munster, Ireland. Sean, the driver, approached the farmhouse to ask the farmer for his permission to hunt on his land.

The owner, an old farmer, said, “Sure you can hunt, but would you be doing me a favor, sir? My old donkey standing over there is 20 years old now. She is deathly sick with cancer, but I just don’t have the heart to kill her meself. Would you do it for me?”

Sean answered, “Of course I will.”

While returning to the car, however, Sean decided to play a trick on his hunting buddies. He got into the car and said nothing.

Naturally, his buddies anxiously asked if the farmer had given his permission to hunt.

Sean said, “No, that old farmer said we can’t hunt here. So I’m going to teach that old man a lesson he won’t forget.”

With that, Sean lowered the window on his side of the car, pointed his gun out the window and shot the donkey. Then he shouted, “To be sure, that will teach the old timer.”

At that moment a second shot rang out from the passenger side of the vehicle and one of his hunting mates yelled, “And me, begorra, I got the cow.”

*****

Walls for the wind,
And a roof for the rain,
And drinks beside the fire.
Laughter to cheer you
And those you love near you,
And all that your heart may desire!

*****

Since it is Christmas, a fitting video is “O Holy Night” sung by Celtic Woman:

More Irish humor, proverbs and blessings
More Celtic Woman

A Plethora of Irish Drinking Stories, Irish Blessings and Irish Proverbs

Once again we have the pleasure of posting some funny Irish drinking stories, some heart warming Irish blessings and insightful Irish proverbs:

Poor Mrs. Molly McGuire entered the local newspaper establishment to pay for the obituary for her dear departed husband, Peter.

Said the kindly newspaperman the charge was a dollar a word and he remembered Peter and wasn’t it too bad about him passing away though.

Molly thanked him for his kind words, but bemoaned the fact that she had but two dollars to her name. So she wrote out the obituary, “Peter died.”

The newspaperman said he thought that old Peter deserved a mite more than that, and, yes, he would give her three more words at no extra charge.

Mrs. Molly thanked him for his generosity during her time of need and rewrote the obituary: “Peter died. Boat for sale.”

*****

You’ll never plow a field by turning it over in your mind.

*****

A constable pulls up two Irish drunks, then says to the first one, “Okay then, Seamus. What’s your name and address?”

The first drunk replies, “My name isn’t Seamus. I’m Paddy O’Day, of no fixed address, thank you very much.”

The constable turns his attention to the second drunk and asks, “Okay then, Seamus. It’s your turn, What is your name and address?”

The second drunk replies, “My name isn’t Seamus either. I’m Sean O’Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy.”

*****

May the love and protection
Saint Patrick can give
Be yours in abundance
As long as you live.

*****

How do you sink an Irish submarine?

Knock on the hatch.

*****

What butter and whiskey will not cure there’s no cure for.

*****

A solicitor was questioning his new client, “Well, Mrs. O’Hara, it’s a divorce you want, is it? So tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?”

“Oh, no!” exclaimed the Missus. ” We have no grudge. Sure enough now, it’s a carport we have, it is.”

So the solicitor tried again. “Well now, does the man beat you up, does he?”

“Oh, land sakes no!” said Mrs. O’Hara, looking somewhat puzzled. “Oi’m always the first one out of bed, I am.”

Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. “Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?”

“Well now, he does play the flute, he does. But I don’t think he knows a thing about the connubial,” answered the Missus.

The solicitor was getting desperate, but he pushed on nonetheless. “What I’m trying to find out, Mrs. O’Hara, is what grounds do you have.”

“Bless you, sir. But, we live in a flat, to be sure. There’s not even a window box, let alone grounds, sir.”

“Mrs. O’Hara,” the solicitor said in a state of considerable exasperation, “you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?”

“Ah, well now,” said the lady, “Sure it’s because the man cannot hold an intelligent conversation.”

*****

A remarkable gift to the world is Irish culture as presented by Celtic Woman. Here is a video of The Last Rose of Summer.

More Irish Drinking Stories, Blessings and Proverbs

Another Gaggle of Irish Drinking Stories, Blessings and Proverbs

It is time again for another gaggle of Irish drinking stories, proverbs and blessings:

Even a tin knocker will shine on a dirty door.

*****

Poor Paddy was found dead, lying prostrate in his own back yard. Since the weather was a bit on the warm side, the wake was held down to just two days, to insure that his mortal remains would not take a bad turn.

Finally his friends laid him in his coffin, nailed it shut & started their way down the hill into the churchyard. Since it was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard.

Suddenly a loud knocking came from inside the coffin. Paddy was alive!

They opened it and up sat Paddy, wide eyed and breathing, to be sure! And they all said, “Sure, it’s a miracle of God!”

They all rejoiced, went back and had a few more drinks. But later that day, the poor lad actually died. Paddy really passed away this time. Stone cold dead, he was.

They bundled him back into his box. As they huffed and puffed down the hill the very next morning, the priest said, “Careful now, boys; mind ye don’t bump the gatepost again.”

*****

The older the fiddle the sweeter the tune.

*****

Note for the following story: a budgie is an English colloquialism for parakeet or bird.

Flanagan entered a pet shop and asked how many budgies (parakeets) were in stock. “We have 99” replied the shop owner.

“Give us the lot” said Flanagan, who bought all of the birds.

He next went to the tailor’s and had his tailor sew 99 pockets into his jacket. Next, he put a budgie in each pocket, climbed to the top of the Post Office Tower and jumped off.

After hitting the ground with an enormous smack, he lay there groaning. Eventually, a passer-by stopped and asked him what had happened.

“I don’t know sir,” replied Flanagan. “But that’s the last time I try that budgie jumping.”

*****

A turkey never voted for an early Christmas

*****

One day Mrs. O’Rourke felt rather sickly so she went to the doctor for a look at (an old Irish expression).

After examining her the doctor said, “Well now, Mrs. O’Rourke, I’m perplexed about your condition. However, if you bring me a urine specimen in the morning I can tell exactly what’s wrong.”

Mrs. O’Rourke went home and asked her husband, “The doctor wants me to bring him a urine specimen in the morning, but I don’t know what a urine specimen is. What am I to do?”

Mr. O’Rourke replied, “I don’t know. But I think you should go see Mrs. O’Toole. She’ll know what to do.”

So, Mrs. O’Rourke walked down the road to Mrs. O’Toole’s home. But she returned a few minutes later with her clothes torn, an eye blackened, with bruises all over her body, and with her hair tangled as if it were a bird’s nest.

Shocked, Mr. O’Rourke gasped, “Jesus, Mary and Joseph, woman! What happened to ye?”

“I went to see Mrs. O’Toole and asked her what a urine specimen was.”

“She said ‘Go P*ss in a bottle, woman.’”

“So, I said ‘Go sh*t in yer hat !’”

“And the fight was on.”

*****

May you have…
A song in your heart
A smile on your lips
And nothing but joy
At your finger tips.

*****

If you put a silk dress on a goat he is a goat still.

*****

If you have not seen Riverdance, the Irish dance phenomenon that has taken over the globe, you are missing out. Give a look at this video:

More Irish Drinking Stories

Another Group of Irish Drinking Stories, Proverbs and Blessings

Here are another group of Irish drinking stories, proverbs and blessings:

A grumpy old curmudgeon of a man enters the parish office of the Holy Rosary Catholic Church, immediately spots the office secretary and says to her, “I want to join this damn church.”

“I beg your pardon, sir,” the astonished secretary replies. “I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”

“Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!”

“I’m very sorry sir, but vile language is not tolerated at the Holy Rosary Church.”

The secretary leaves her desk to find the pastor. In the pastor’s study she informs Father O’Reilly of her foul mouthed visitor. The pastor agrees that the secretary should not have to listen to such foul language.

They both return to front office and Father O’Reilly asks, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”

“There is no damn problem!” the curmudgeon says. “I just won $200 million in the damn lottery, and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money.”

“I see,” says the priest. “And is this bitch giving you a hard time?”

*****

O’Shaughnessy himself and his wife, Elizabeth, had four boys. The older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, which are all typical Irish traits, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.

O’Shaughnessy became so seriously ill that he knew he wasn’t long for this world. As he was lying on his deathbed, he asked his wife, “Honey, before I die, you must be totally honest with me. Is our youngest son my child?”

Elizabeth replied, “I swear on the Blarney stone and everything that’s holy that he is your son.”

Satisfied, at that moment O’Shaughnessy passed away.

Elizabeth then muttered, “Thank the Lord he didn’t ask about the other three.”

*****

Sean and his wife, Patty, wake up in the middle of the night to a pounding on their front door. Sean rushes downstairs to see what the ruckus is about.

He opens his door to a drunk, who is soaking wet from the rain asking him for a push.

“Are you kidding?” Says Sean. “It is 3AM, go away!”

Sean slams the door heading back upstairs to go back to bed. Once he is there, his wife asks him what happened and he explains to her about the drunk.

“You should be ashamed of yourself, Sean O‘Brien!” Patty replies. “Don’t you remember when we were stuck out in the rain in the middle of the night and we needed help. If those nice neighbors hadn’t helped us we would have spent the night in our car. Now, you go out there and give that poor man a push.”

Sean gets dressed for the weather, heading downstairs to help the poor drunk. As he walks outside he calls into the darkness, “Hello, are you still there? Do you still need a push?”

The drunk calls back “Yes, thank you so much, I do.”

“Where are you?” asks Sean.

“Over, here on the porch swing.”

*****

And another Irish Blessing:

May your heart be light and happy
May your smile be big and wide
And may your pockets always have
A tinkle of gold inside.

More Irish drinking stories and blessings

Another Batch of Irish Drinking Stories and Irish Blessings

Yet again we are providing a few more Irish drinking stories and blessings.

Smoking Leprechaun

As an elderly couple were driving through County Kerry, Ireland, they were pulled over by the police. Eileen, who was driving, rolled down her window as the police officer approached and asked, “Ma’am, did you know that you were speeding?”

Eileen turned to her husband, Paddy, and asked, “What did he say?”

Knowing his wife was hard of hearing, Paddy shouted into her ear, “He said you were speeding!”

The officer said, “May I see your license, please?”

Eileen, once again turned to her husband, Paddy, and said, “What did he say?”

Again, Paddy shouted, “He wants to see your license!”

As Eileen handed her license to the police officer, he said, “I see that you are from Cork. I spent some time there once and had the worst date I have ever had.”

Again, Eileen turned to Paddy asking, “What did he say?”

Paddy shouted quite loudly, “He thinks he knows you!”

*****

As Michael and Sean were walking home after a night at the pub, Michael turned and said to Sean, “What an incredible night, just look at that beautiful moon.”

Sean stopped dead in his tracks, looked at Michael and said, “You are wrong, Michael. That’s not the moon, that’s the sun.”

They both stood there arguing until a drunk approached from the other direction. They stopped him and asked, “Sir, could you please help settle our argument? What is that up in the sky. Is it the sun or the moon?”

The drunk looked up toward the sky. Then he turned toward them, and said, “Sorry, I don’t live around here.”

*****

O’Brien aspired to be an accountant, so he went down to take the Irish accountancy exam.

The examiner asked him, “If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have in all?”

O’Brien replied, “five.”

The examiner answered, “Five? No, now listen to me carefully once again. If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have?”

Again O‘Brien replied, “five.”

The examiner was beginning to get flustered, so he said, “Let’s try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer and then I give you another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer do you have?”

“Four,” answered O’Brien.

“Good!” said the examiner. “Now, if I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have in all?”

Again O‘Brien replied, “five.”

Exasperated, the examiner pleaded, “How on earth do you figure that two lots of two rabbits equals five?”

Said O‘Brien, “I already have one rabbit at home.”

*****

And another Irish blessing:

May your heart be light and happy,
May your smile be big and wide,
And may your pockets always have
a coin or two inside!

More Irish humor

More Drunk Humor

Yet a Few More Irish Drinking Stories

There is nothing that will make you so popular as re-telling some of our Irish drinking stories:

Father O’Malley, an Irish priest, and Rabbi Levine are involved in a car accident. As they both exit their cars and wobble toward the side of the road. Rabbi Levine says, “Oy vey! What a wreck!”

Father O’Malley asks him, “Are you all right, Rabbi?”

Rabbi Levine replies, “Yes. I am just shaken a little is all.”

The father withdraws a flask of whiskey from his coat saying, “Here, Rabbi. Drink some of this. It will calm your nerves.”

The Rabbi gratefully accepts the flask, drinking it down while saying, “Well, what are we going to tell the police?”

“Well,” Father O’Malley replies, “I don’t know what you’re apt to be telling them. But I’ll be telling them I wasn’t the one drinking.”

*****

As an Irish priest is driving into New York, he is stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then spies an empty wine bottle on the floor in the front seat of the car.

The trooper says, “Tell me, Father, have you been drinking?”

“Just a bit ‘o water,” says the priest.

The trooper replies, “If that is true, then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

*****

Fogarty walked into a barroom, sat down at the bar and began ordering martini after martini. With each drink he would remove the olives and place them in a jar. Not until the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks were fully drunk, did the Irishman rise to leave.

“Excuse me,” said the bartender, who was puzzled over what Fogarty had done. “Whatever was that all about?”

“Oh, nothing,” said the Irishman. “My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.”

*****

An Old Irish Blessing:

May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
and rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

More Irish Drinking Stories

A Few More Irish Drinking Stories and Blessings

When in doubt, opt for a few Irish drinking stories because they will cheer you up in no time.

O’Reilly’s Missus:

O’Reilly had been out all night drinking at his favorite pub. As that time of night approached the bartender signaled last call saying the bar would soon be closing. So O’Reilly downed his last sip of Guinness and stood up to leave, but he quickly fell flat on his face.

He tried standing one more time, but, again, he met with the same result. He decided that he would crawl outside to get some fresh air thinking that might sober him up.

Once outside he stood up again, but once again he fell to the ground. So he decided he would crawl the 2 blocks to his home. Upon arriving at his front door he tried standing up once more, but he again dropped flat on his face. So, he crawled inside dragging his way into the bedroom.

After reaching his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he did manage to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell straight into bed and was asleep just as his head hit the pillow.

The next morning he awakened to his missus standing over him, shouting, “So, you’ve been out drinking again, have you?”

“And what makes you say that?” O’Reilly asked, feigning an innocent look.

“Because the pub called,” his missus replied. “You forgot your wheelchair there again.”

****

An Irish Blessing:

May your blessings outnumber the shamrocks that grow
And may trouble avoid you wherever you go.

****

The Irish 007:

During the French Revolution in Paris, back in 1789, three accused spies from across the English Channel are waiting to be guillotined.

“Do you want to be beheaded on your back or on your front?” The executioner asked Smith, an Englishman. “On my back,” said Smith. “I’m not afraid of death. I‘ll look him in the eye.”

So the executioner tied Smith down on his back underneath the heavy blade. The executioner then reached up for the lever, and gave it a mighty tug. The blade quickly began to slide down the guillotine toward Smith’s waiting neck but just as quickly jammed in the middle of its track.

The captain of the guard approached Smith telling him it was his lucky day. He was reprieved because, under French law, no man can be sentenced to death twice.

White, another Englishman, was called next by the executioner. White also chose to face the blade, lying on his back. Once again the executioner’s sinewy arm reached for the lever, and once again the blade jammed in the middle of its slide.

The captain of the guard told White that he, too, had managed to cheat death for he also was reprieved.

Murphy, an Irishman, was third.

“Back or front?” shouted the executioner.

“If it’s good enough for Smith and it’s good enough for White, then it’s good enough for me,” said Murphy.

And Murphy, too, was laid down on his back beneath the silver blade. “Begorra!” he shouted looking up at the blade. “Just a minute there. I think I see why it jams.”

More Irish Humor…

More Drunk Humor…