Here lies a passel of Redneck graffiti for your perusal and intellectual edification. It seems that certain redneck types have scrawled their opinions and diatribes on vacant building walls merely to express themselves for your cerebral enlightenment. Lucky you.
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I cannot imagine why Osama bin Laden would ever hate country music. I mean, Shania Twain…Carrie Underwood…Hello!? Need I say more? That is probably as good of a reason to join the Marines as any, but perhaps Joe Bob doesn’t know Osama is no longer with us. If so, he may be slightly annoyed once he learns the truth.
So it seems that Bubba is a patron of the “Midnight Golf Supply.” Guess a fella has to save nickels and dimes wherever he can. But isn’t that red stripe around your ball a mite embarrassing once you are back in the clubhouse?
I can understand Joe Bob loading up on fresh “toys” when he visits the dump. One man’s trash IS another man’s treasure, after all.
And Billy Ray’s sis and stepmom being one and the same person is no fault of Billy Ray. Since when can we control who Daddy marries? Daddy always did have a mind of his own.
Billy Bob meeting girls at family reunions just makes a whole lot of sense. Why not keep it all in the family?
Joe Bob’s sister really isn’t that trashy. Lots of girls wear a see thru blouse at their Momma’s funeral.
As for Bubba disappearing with his double wide to avert foreclosure, my understanding is that his bank hid a Lojack device on the trailer in the event of just such an occurrence. Sorry Bubba.
There was no chance of the fire in Billy Bob’s bathroom spreading to the house. Billy Bob deliberately placed his outhouse a ways off to avoid any odor issues wafting toward the house. That’s planning ahead Billy Bob.
And Jim Bob buying sushi at the bait shop just plain makes sense. A fella just has to save money when he can. Besides the bait shop has a recipe for pickled minnows that is just special.
Airplane or no airplane, Betty Lu has always been particular about her doo. Can’t see that changing any time soon.
Crack and plumber’s butt are just plain embarrassing. If you got it all hangin’ out on the backside, you ain’t no self respecting redneck. That is fer shur.
It must be a redneck behind the controls of the wrecking ball in our first video because who else would be so careless that he would allow a wrecking ball to swing out into the street right into the afternoon traffic? A hapless SUV driver becomes the recipient of bad tidings from an enormous runaway ball and chain.
Talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time. It is said that this driver did manage to survive the speedy onrush of the massive ball of iron and steel, although I cannot imagine how.
Have a look for yourself:
It is still hard to understand how anyone survived that hit. More power to the driver.
Our second video is on our must watch list. Mother Nature dealt 27-year-old Nick Vujicic an incredibly tough hand in the card game of life, but what impresses everyone who sees this video is how well Nick handles his misfortune.
This one you must watch:
Nick says that he is happy and enjoys life, so the next time you think life has dealt you a difficult blow, remember Nick and count your blessings. I know I will.
Resident Rednecks of Turtle Lake, Wisconsin, recently sported their own version of cash for clunkers when they decided to forgo collecting any government cash for their old clunker of a vehicle as they might by participating in the federal government’s cash for clunkers program.
Instead they started their own affair in which they crash their clunkers. No they do not receive $4,500 from the federal government, but, as you may surmise from the photo above, the Crash Your Clunker event was a whole lot more fun than any government subsidy or rebate.
What our Turtle Lake rednecks did was set up a weekend happening down in a gravel pit in Turtle Lake in which the clunkers were launched up a gravel ramp and sent hurtling into oblivion on the flip side of the ramp.
“It’s a little redneck, but we love it, we accept it, we admit and we enjoy it,” said Brett Moravitz, who is a self-proclaimed redneck.
Approximately 300 participants and onlookers gathered one recent Saturday afternoon at Moravitz Excavating to watch the clunkers hurtle down a runway, launch into the air and finally crash into a gravel pit.
It certainly is nowhere near as classy as NASCAR, and it demolishes the clunkers much more than a demolition derby. The Crash your Clunker event is the brainchild of Bob Moravitz.
“You don’t get to do this kind-of stuff very often,” said Bob. “I mean, destruction of a car that really isn’t worth nothing anyway. So let’s just wreck it.”
Bob’s son Rick and his pal Jake fitted the cars with remote-controlled devices so they could control the gas pedal and the steering. Since they didn’t install any remote control on the brakes, they dug trenches along the sides of the runway to prevent the cars from veering too far off course.
Upon releasing the brake, the clunkers would speed down the runway with Rick and Jake following close behind on a four-wheeler. At the same time they controlled the speed and direction of the vehicle right up to when it launched itself off the ramp.
In addition to launching cars, they also launched a camper towing a boat and a pickup pulling a round baler. But the piece de resistance was the launching of two school buses.
It seems that the Crash Your Clunker event promises to become an annual redneck phenomenon each summer in Turtle Lake that may just grow a little each succeeding year.
Unfortunately, the video sponsor no longer has the vid available. I’m sorry for the inconvenience, and I just hate when they do that.
While traveling the Net, I ran into a very funny guy by the name of Larry Graves over at ning.com. Larry is a clever fellow who likes to bill himself as the Canadian Studmuffin.
I readily admit that I did not research the studmuffin component of Larry’s character and, frankly, I sense no burning desire to do so. For those of you who are so inclined, head on over to Larry Graves and knock yourself out.
What I did explore though is Larry’s humor, and I learned that he is a very clever guy who is capable of doing strange things with fish tanks. I thought I would present a portion of Larry’s wit, which oftentimes manifests a Redneck bite to it. In fact, our first vid is Larry’s creation and is called Weird Fish.
Have a Look at Weird Fish by Larry Graves:
Well, that is truly one ugly fish. There is no doubt about that.
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Our second vid is also a product of the imagination of Larry Graves, who, in this video, abandoned his fish tank for a sojourn into the real world. The video is entitled Sexy Girl, and the female lead is played by Taylor Amelia, an actress who has absolutely no difficulty convincing anyone that she is, indeed, a sexy girl, a very sexy girl in fact.
Please give a look at Sexy Girl:
I don’t believe that Phil made a decision there that most other men would agree with.
Safety is of paramount importance when designing anything children will use. There can be no parts that will pinch tiny fingers; in no way can any of the equipment or parts of the equipment tip over; and harmful substances such as lead paint or or any parts small enough to swallow simply are not allowed.
But our redneck playground designer must have skipped school the day his professor discussed appropriateness of theme, because something is wrong when your kids return home from the playground crying and telling you the other kids teased them and called them elephant poopy.
“Peter, Peter is elephant poopy. Emily smells like elephant poop. Nah-nah nah nah-nah!”
I don’t know about you but hearing that my kids are being compared to elephant poop worries me that it may create an identity crisis in the four-year-old mind. That sort of nick name may tend to linger longer than one might like not unlike the odor of pachyderm poop.
“…I don’t smell like elephant poopy, do I Daddy?”
One must reassure four-year-olds about enough other things in life without having to add elephant poopy to the list.
“Peter, the sky is blue because God painted it that color when he had left over paint from painting his living room. And no you do not smell like elephant poopy. Your mom makes you take lots of baths so you will only smell like a clean little boy.”
Perhaps an elephant slide such as this one is not an issue in the Redneck mind because four-year-old Redneck little boys sometimes do smell like elephant poopy.
Unfortunately some folks just do not have enough sense to come in out of the rain. Some of them, like in our first video, make their own rain and get into trouble over it.
But that just makes it that much more fun to laugh at their antics.
In the first video, our hero answers nature’s call next to an electric fence. Bad idea, Joe Bob!
Watch the shenanigans:
I do believe that our hero may require some first aid in a rather sensitive area of the anatomy. And he also ruined a pair of pants in the process.
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It is difficult to determine which one of our redneck geniuses is Dumb and which on is Dumber. In our next video our man decides to demonstrate his athleticism by walking from post to post.
It turns out that he is not quite the jock he thought he was. Of course, there is pain involved and embarrassment too. Let’s look in on our hero as he tackles his obstacle course:
Now…be thankful you are safe and sound in front of your computer instead of embarrassing yourself in front of the whole world like our hero.
Do you ever wonder why you never see any super models on the street, in the grocery, or on the subway? Well, they make so much money, they probably do not travel by subway or bus, but there is another reason you do not see these gorgeous women out in public.
That reason is: these women do not exist–at least not the way you think they do.
Do you really believe that super model Gisele Bundchen looks as good as the photo on the left?
Gisele is extremely attractive, but in no way does she look as good in real life as the woman you see in that photo.
The photo on the right is also Gisele Bundchen.
If you were not told that they are one and the same woman, you would assume that they are two different models because they look so incredibly unalike in the two photos.
In the next photo on the left we have super model Kate Moss completely au naturel. She is wearing no makeup and very little lighting has been added to enhance the photograph.
She even bears a slight blemish or birthmark on her right cheek.
Next they bring in the high priced hair stylists and makeup people, who go to town on Kate. After tying her hair back for a slender high fashion look, the makeup artists apply a base to her face.
Voila! The freckles and blemishes have disappeared.
Lip gloss widens her mouth and enhances the lips to make them seem more adult like. Eye makeup augments her eyes making them appear deeper and darker.
The photographer adjusts the lighting and suddenly Kate’s nose and cheeks appear thinner.
Once the photographer’s shutter has snapped, the cgi and photoshop experts go to work. Kate’s natural hazel eye color becomes a deep dark brown. Small white dots added to the eyes make you think Kate looks at no one but you.
A highlighter added to Kate’s left cheek area nudges the right side of the photograph into dominance.
All of that work produces the next photo on the right. Our process begins as Kate Moss in her natural look as the girl next door, and it ends with her appearing as a sultry super model with an impossibly sizzling good look.
Impossible is the key word here because it is impossible for any woman to look like the photo on the right. Even Kate Moss does not look that good in real life.
All of this magic with hair styling, makeup, lighting, photography, and cgi is not lost on our redneck friends. They realize that with today’s technology just about any woman can be transformed into a super model.
And that brings us to our video featuring two models. The first scene stars a normal super model and the second features the redneck version. Have a look.
Daisy, over at the charming blog, Smiling with Daisy, provided me with an inkling of an idea a while back when she blogged a post about sites that had online software which gave you with the ability to manipulate photographs in numerous ways. Stop in to see Daisy, when you get a chance because she has a family type blog that looks at life from a funny, warm and wholesome perspective.
Well, kudos to Daisy because her post was the genesis of this post. She manipulated a few photos with some interesting results, so I wondered what the results might be if Bubba, one of our resident rednecks, took a turn at manipulating photos of celebrities. Instead of using online software, Bubba used Paint Shop Pro, a program which is similar to Photoshop, but a whole lot cheaper.
Bubba took some normal celebrity photos and changed all of the colors in the photo to just one color, such as silver, gold and red. Here are some of the results:
Jay Leno:
Jay Leno, star of the Tonight Show, has an very strong jaw that came out even stronger when his photo was changed to silver. The result is that Ol’ Jay has a determined but simpler look in silver than he does in real life. In fact, Jay looks like he would fit in very well with Bubba and his redneck friends.
Jay’s new look reminds us a lot of Gomer Pyle, from the TV show back in the 1960’s. Hey! Gomer! Yeah, Ol’ Redneck Jay looks like a Gomer and is a good fit in his silver makeover.
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Jud Tylor:
Jud Tylor is one remarkable looking young actress, who was most recently seen with Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts in Charlie Wilson’s War.
Bubba took a photo of Jud from the cover of Stuff magazine, where she looked so very hot, steamy even. He converted her to silver and came up with a hot Jud Tylor, whose bosom looks even bigger if that is possible. But she also looks a bit dangerous. Her hair seems to have changed to scarecrow straw, and her eyes look right through you. Go ahead, look into the eyes of the silver Jud. This girl is scary!
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Carson Daly:
For the unaware, Carson Daly hosts a talk show called Last Call with Carson Daly, which airs after the Conan O’Brien Show, which is on after the Jay Leno show. Carson’s show comes on around 12-2 AM depending on what TV market you are in.
Carson sports an extremely juvenile looking mustache that makes him look like he’s about 16-years-old at the most. He usually wears a suit with a tie that is loose around his neck and his shirts are generally not tucked in even when wearing a suit. His look totally sucks, but some of the teens and 20 somethings seem to like him, which is the market he is after.
When Bubba went to work on Carson, he gave him a fat lip along with a small hole in the end of his nose, which fits right in with the teenage audience that Carson aspires to attract because that age group often seems to be piercing something on their faces.
The silver look made Carson’s teeth appear to be decayed, which is a common look from the silver makeover.
At least the silver made Carson’s mustache appear more like an adult, but Carson turned down my request to be my friend on MySpace, which means he is now rather low on my admired list.
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Angelina Jolie:
Bubba went whole hog on the stunning Angelina Jolie, converting her into silver, gold, and hot red. In the gold and red, she looks like she’s in black face, ala one of those movies from the 1930’s. But in the silver, she resembles a witch doctor from a Tarzan movie from the 1950’s.
What a waste of a beautiful actress, turning her into a witch doctor. Now if she were a high priestess, that would be a fitting makeover for Angelina.
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George Clooney:
Bubba made over the peripatetic 47-year-old actor, George Clooney, in both silver and gold. In the gold photo, the makeover results in George’s teeth appearing like he just finished eating a package of oreos. Got a sweet tooth George?
All of you women know that George, who is still a bachelor by the way, looks remarkably good in silver, gold or any other color of the rainbow.
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Britney Spears Kissing Madonna:
Remember the infamous kiss onstage between Madonna and Britney Spears? Madonna, who has made an entire career based on bizarre and anti-social behavior, orchestrated this little shocker which initiated an international discussion of girl-on-girl action.
For some reason, Bubba especially enjoyed this little makeover, and enjoyed it a little too much at that, I might add. The final products both look a lot like statues to me. Notice, though, how Madonna appears like she has bare arms in the makeovers as opposed to the black sleeves in the original photo.
Because we anticipated this photo would result in a more interesting effect than it did, we decided to add the piece de resistance:
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Britney Spears Bottomless:
This is not an x-rated blog and we have no desire to shock anyone, so we chose the less revealing of the two photos on the Net displaying the pantyless Britney Spears for all to see. Plus we have strategically placed an opaque little rectangle on the photo in order to maintain our PG rating.
The silver makeover of Britney sans panties actually makes it look like she is wearing some. How does that work anyway? The makeover is far less shocking than the original photo. Evidently, some things were meant to be observed with the benefit of the full color spectrum, just as nature intended. Go figure.
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That does it for this version of our Redneck Photoshop. If you like it, let us know and we may do another, or not.
‘Yes, My name is Steve, and I want to report dragon.”
“A Dragon?”
“Yes, ma’am. Dragon. Blue fire-breathing dragon. I just saw it over on Main Street, not 5 minutes ago. It was breathing fire all over place.”
“Sir, this is 9-1-1 Emergency, and it is illegal to call 9-1-1 with prankster calls…”
“This is no prankster, 9-1-1 Emergency operator. This is Steve! My American name is Steve. I am studying to become US citizen, and I am not calling about prankster. I am from India. My Indian name is Pratepp Patel, but I like to use my American name. My American name is Steve.”
“I am telling you, 9-1-1 Emergency operator! I saw real, live, dragon…that was breathing fire. It was over on Main Street…right in middle of street. It was long and shiny, and it was blue!”
“Well, Steve. We’re right smack dab in the middle of Arkansas, and do you know what? We don’t have any dat-burn dragons here in Arkansas. Fact of the matter is, I don’t believe that there are any dragons on planet earth. Now we are very busy still working on the flooded areas, so a dragon call just is not high on our priority list. So what planet are you from anyway…Steve?”
“Oh, yes! 9-1-1 Emergency operator! There are dragons. They have dragons in Indonesia. Komodo dragons. But they are only 8-9 feet long and they don’t breathe fire. And I know the floods are a problem. I am calling from 4th Street. It’s still under water over here.”
“Kimono dragons? Now that sounds Japanese, Steve. And, 8-9 feet long! Steve, how big was that dragon that you say you saw?”
“It was at least 20 feet long. Maybe 25 feet. It was huge and blue and shiny. And it was breathing fire…I think.”
“You think! Well now, see here Steve! Was it breathing fire or was it not breathing fire?
“Fire was coming out of it, but I couldn’t tell which end was front. It might have fire coming out of butt.”
“Okay, Steve! If you’re sure that they have kimono dragons in Indonesia, maybe some tourist brought a pet back and it grew a mite. I’ll write it up. Let’s see…25 foot long, shiny blue dragon breathing fire out of butt…er, its butt…over on Main Street. Is that about right, Steve?”
“Yes, 9-1-1 Emergency operator. That’s right! Big blue dragon breathing fire out of butt. That’s it.”
“Okay, Steve. We’ll send a patrol car over your way. Now, Y’all keep an eye peeled and let us know if it moves anywhere else.”
*****
“Dispatch, This is car 54. Warrant and wants on plate hotel, eighter, tango, alpha, india, lima, golf, eighter, romeo, sierra.”
“Car 54, this is dispatch. Warrant and wants on hotel, eighter, tango, alpha, india, lima, golf, eighter, romeo, sierra negative. Prior moving violations: May, 2008 – spraying ignited flammable substance on another vehicle. November, 2007 – spraying ignited flammable substance on another vehicle. February, 2007 – spraying ignited flammable substance on another vehicle.”
“Car 5-4, it sounds like you have apprehended our feared Japanese kimono dragon. Over.”
“Roger that, dispatch. We witnessed said dragon spewing dangerous flammable liquid all over a 2006 Lexus SUV. That definitely riled up the SUV owner who took after our dragon owner with a revolver. We’re going to need back up, a wagon for the apprehended offenders and tow trucks to remove said dragon and burnt Lexus.”
“Dispatch, it seems that our dragon driver is a retired fireman who gets a mite riled when other drivers tailgate him. That’s why he rigged his vehicle to breathe fire on offending vehicles. Over.”
“Car 5-4. The citizens of Arkansas can rest easy now that our dreaded kimono dragon has been apprehended. Back up and wagon on the way 5-4. Over.”
“Roger that, Dispatch. Over and out.”
Dragon with the Fire-breathing Butt follows:
There you have it. A dangerous kimono dragon has been removed from the streets. Thus the avenues and boulevards of Arkansas are safe once again. But who knows what other evil lurks in the minds of rednecks everywhere? Beware!
Guess what used to be one of the most popular vanity license plates in all 50 states?
Of course it is only popular with the male half of the population. The female half possess a vastly different outlook on what is most popular.
I have yet to meet the missus that is willing to allow her better half to drive around town with a license plate like that. Maybe that is why the guy hates his wife, because she won’t let him broadcast the fact that he hates her.
He probably would not hate her as much if she would let him tell the world that he hates her. And if he were totally free to proclaim that he hates her, maybe he wouldn’t even hate her at all. But that gets into too much of which came first, the chicken or the egg.
There is probably a female counterpart to that plate, maybe something like this:
But the real reason that these folks hate either their wives or their men is because they fall into this category:
However, you don’t see many plates like that driving around because of the strict rules of the motor vehicle departments around the nation. It’s not that they don’t want you telling folks that you hate your life. We all hate our lives to some degree; it’s part of life to hate your life.
No, it’s simpler than that. Most DMVs will no longer allow the combination of the letter “H” with the number “8.” They claim they do not want to spread hatred.
Now that sounds like an admirable goal, but we know the real reason! The real reason is that they want to censor what you want to say.
Well, down with censorship! This is the Internet and we will say what ever we want to say! And we are going to start saying it right now!
We start with simple redneck license plates like this:
Or this:
Because we want to explore the redneck mentality in all of us, let’s skate a little closer to the edge, like this:
Now that sounds sweet and innocent to most of us, but to Bubba, it really means this:
As we explore redneck family relationships even more we find that family reunions get very complicated. Here is one possibility:
And this license plate returns us to that chicken or the egg concept again. Did sis come first or did mom come first? I’m getting a headache just thinking about it.
Now if sis had a headache back when dad made his move on sis, that means that Bubba wouldn’t even be here. How’s that for complicated?
At that family reunion I heard Jim Bob say, “Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle!” Did he mean that literally?
We have barely scratched the surface with redneck license plates. Think of the possibilities that beckon our exploration in this area, and think of the interesting posts that promise to come from it all.
I borrowed a little time to throw in a short one today–short and sweet, I hope.
I could be wrong, but I think we have another redneck here. This tugboat captain is definitely in the wrong place at the wrong time. Some folks make a habit of that activity, and we call those folks rednecks.
Don’t know if this tug captain qualifies, but he sure is behaving like he does.
Have a look at Tug at the Bow, and, no honey, that ain’t no country western song:
My guess is that the tug’s captain will always think of this when he hears the US Navy’s theme song, Anchors Aweigh.
Redneck Industrialists. Boy that sounds like a mouthful, but we are referring to our friendly redneck crane operators who usually operate their cranes in industrial locations, hence the term industrialist.
To my knowledge, you do not need a license to operate a crane, but they are devilishly difficult pieces of machinery to operate correctly. That thankfully results in many botched jobs by crane operators, which is to our advantage because many of the crane operator bloopers have been caught on film, and we get to howl at their mistakes here.
We begin with a scene from a movie that involves, what else, a crane.
If you have never seen a movie from 1988 entitledA Fish Called Wanda, run (don’t walk) down to the neighborhood video store and rent it immediately! Do not wait on the chance that someone else in your neighborhood will see this post and beat you to the video store. You absolutely must see this movie right away because it is that funny!
The film features John Cleese, Kevin Kline, Jamie Lee Curtis and Michael Palin and it is no exaggeration when I tell you it is absolutely hilarious. Rent it when you have some extra time because you will want to watch it twice.
Kevin Kline won an Oscar for best supporting actor, but John Cleese and Michael Palin should also have won Oscars. Maybe Jamie Lee should have won one too, but she played a sexy crook. Since she is naturally sexy, she really did not have to act as much as the others did.
I have had a thing for Jamie Lee since I was old enough to tell the difference between men and women, so I am a little biased here. Since we all know that gratuitous sex and violence sells in this day and age, I have added a photo of Jamie Lee back when she was a bit younger.
The photo fulfills our quota of gratuitous sex for this post, plus there is plenty of violence, so to speak, in the videos.
All of the other actors in the film, writers (John Cleese and Charles Crichton) and the director (also Charles Crichton) won other awards for the movie and deservedly so. It is the remarkable cast that makes this movie so funny.
If you intend to rent the movie, skip past the first video now to the second video so that we won’t spoil any of the film for you.
The following video is a scene from the movie in which a criminal, Ken (Michael Palin), is trying to kill an elderly woman and make it look like an accident. He screwed up his first two attempts and killed two of the lady’s dogs instead. Ken is an animal lover so it bothered him enormously when he killed the first two dogs. Killing people however comes second nature to him.
The scene begins as Ken is making his third attempt to kill the little old lady, and he is using a crane to do it. This scene is what prompted me to search for funny videos using cranes.
The following video is from the movie “A Fish Called Wanda:”
As you will see in the other vids, cranes naturally lend themselves to funny situations.
If you skipped ahead because you had not seen “A Fish Called Wanda,” pick up the thread here.
Our next video involves a crane and a port-a-potty, or modern day outhouse. I, for one, cannot imagine what could possibly be funny about the combination of those two.
The Crane vs The Outhouse or Let’s Embarrass the Boss:
Well, all I can say is Oh Crap! And I thought that I was having a bad day. Hopefully, for the crane operator’s sake, it was his last day on the job. Because if it wasn’t before it is now.
You noticed, I hope, that the occupant of our port-a-potty is a white collar type. What do you want to bet that the beneficiary (translation = victim) of our outhouse humor is the boss.
The crane operator saw the opportunity and he went for it. If you are going to get fired, this is the way to go out. Payback is so sweet, is it not? Haven’t we all had at least one boss that we wish we could have done that to?
The happy ending here would be to convince the old man that it truly was an accident and to keep your job.
“Boss, I am so sorry. I don’t know how that happened. The crane controls should be checked out. I didn’t mean to do it! etc., etc.”
If you were a good enough actor, you would get completely reinstated to your old position as crane operator. Then you could lie in wait to do it all over again.
You know, I have to admit that I really like that one. After watching it several times, I still laugh every time I see it.
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Mechanical contractors often use cranes, but sometimes they use levers and fulcrums when using a crane just isn’t feasible. Here are a couple of installation contractors that remind me very much of Laurel and Hardy.
Installation Blues:
Yep! Just like Laurel and Hardy. But as funny as that video is, there are several things that just aren’t right about it. What contractor will move a spindle that large by manual labor anymore? Because of unions, contractors use heavy lifting equipment for any work that big.
Why didn’t they take the cable off of the spindle and move it up via the elevator? And notice the black mat right where the spindle goes through the “window.” That spot is clearly where a door would normally be.
Unfortunately, this one is fake, but it’s a good fake and it’s funny. So we will let it ride.
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In the next one you have to notice the dog, which is a Pomeranian, I think. It is just like the dog in the clip from A Fish Called Wanda. And nope! That’s no coincidence.
I knew someone with a Pomeranian when I was young, and that blasted dog would bark and bite constantly. I cannot count how many times that dog bit me. So any time a Pomeranian gets it, my heart dances an Irish jig.
That’s another reason to like A Fish Called Wanda. Sorry animal lovers. Dogs? I love them, but Pomeranians? No Thanks.
The crane versus the Pomeranian:
Didn’t you just love it when the crane operator ran away? Yes, he is in big trouble. If they ever try to enact a law requiring crane operators to be licensed, be sure to oppose it because we need the videos. That car was totally squashed, wasn’t it? Thank you Mr. redneck industrialist crane operator.
We are in a sort of redneck state of mind today, and what could be more redneck than hand grenades?
Ever wonder what might happen if rednecks were allowed to carry hand grenades? Surely they would carry grenades while hunting, which means that Vice Presidents could do so too.
Eventually we would see a news report that Vice President Dick Cheney blew up a lawyer while quail hunting. Naturally, the lawyer would insist that the explosion was his fault, not the Vice President’s.
“It was imprudent of that attorney to have been standing so near that quail when the Vice President was hunting with hand grenades,” said the white house spokesman.
At least, if you hunted quail with hand grenades, all of the bird’s feathers would be plucked automatically. But so would most of the rest of the bird. Not much bird left to eat at all, actually.
But it’s the thrill of the hunt that we really seek. Food gathering qualifies as a mere secondary goal and is not even remotely significant.
And, strangely enough, that is also the mind set of the lads in our first video, which covers this issue quite thoroughly, thank you. Have a look.
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One need not be an adult to wear the redneck label. The young lad on the bike in this next video is well on his way to becoming a full blown redneck, if he has not already arrived there.
But the kid was obviously talked into this stunt. He apparently has several accomplices in the remarkably “intelligent” video. There are two photographers on screen right plus the motorcyclist who helped the teen pick up enough speed to enable the loud smack when the biker and the sign violently meet.
You can also hear the muffled snickering in the background after the biker crouches below the sign in a daze.
Gather one highly impressionable teenager with two or three young men who are only slightly older, and, voila!, you suddenly have a teen willing to do just about anything to fit in with the older guys.
*****
It clearly must be James Bond behind the wheel in our last video because this driver is one cool customer as he waits on the train tracks until the last possible moment to accelerate his vehicle out of the train’s path. There was not even one second to spare.
If you were able to time the gap between the car leaving the tracks and the train arriving at the intersection, it must be only a fraction of a second. But that is clearly what the videographer wanted.
The near miss is what makes the video worth watching. No one gets worked up about a three second near miss. But a near miss of less than one second will make the video popular all over the Internet.
My guess is the driver is another teenager, and he is probably driving the folks’ car. If this kid lives long enough, he may make a terrific movie stunt man. However, if he continues taking chances like this, the kid may well be history before he has an opportunity to grow into any kind of man.
What happens when rednecks attack? Folks it ain’t pretty, but it is funny. Beware of attacking rednecks. Learn more in our video.
Plus, it’s about time we presented a little more redneck graffiti, and we have a couple of new ones that fill the bill.
Poor Bubba got behind in his mortgage payments and didn’t know what to do. Fortunately, Bubba is a creative devil and came up with this unusual remedy:
I don’t believe that is a solution that will help the average homeowner who is in mortgage trouble.
******
Redneck Airlines
It’s a busy day at Redneck Airlines, and the passengers on one of its jets are already seated waiting for the pilot to get the plane under way.
Both the pilot and copilot eventually show up in the back of the airplane and start their trek toward the cockpit through the center aisle. The pilot walks along with a white cane, but he is bumping into the passengers right and left while he feels his way up the aisle. It is apparent to anyone that he is blind. The copilot follows the pilot, and he uses a guide dog. Both of them wear sunglasses.
Initially, the passengers look at each other in disbelief, thinking that this has to be some sort of practical joke. Soon though, they hear the engines running, and the airplane starts moving down the runway.
The passengers are a bit shocked and again look at each other, this time with anxiety. They begin to whisper among themselves and many look toward the flight attendants for some type of reassurance.
Then, the plane begins to accelerate rapidly, and now the passengers are starting to panic. Two nuns seated toward the front of the plane pull out rosaries and begin praying. As the plane gets ever nearer to the end of the runway, all of the passengers’ voices grow more hysterical.
Finally the plane has only twenty feet of runway remaining, and the passengers suddenly change the pitch of their voices to shouts as everyone loudly screams simultaneously. At the very last moment, the plane gently lifts off the runway and it is airborne. The plane begins a normal ascent toward its cruising altitude.
In the cockpit, the copilot exhales a sigh of relief and says to the pilot, “You know, one of these days the passengers aren’t going to scream, and we won’t know when to take off.”
*****
When Joe Bob finished high school, he was unsure what he wanted to do with his life. Fortunately for him, the Marine Corps. recruiter knew exactly what Joe Bob wanted to do.
That was one kind hearted Marine recruiter, now wasn’t it?
*****
Last, but not least: What do you do when a redneck attacks? Check out our video.
Ever see those signs on elevators that tell you the elevator car has a ten person or 1600 pound limit? Since when does the average adult weigh 160 pounds? Not in my neighborhood, he doesn’t, and that includes the women. We are in a super size world but the manufacturers don’t seem to recognize that.
Well, in this first video, our Mark Spitz wanna be is not made for this pool. He is a super size and the pool isn’t. You know what the result is going to be. Even so, it is funny when it happens. Watch.
Dad! What happened to the pool? Did you break it again? For all of you teen-agers out there, Mark Spitz won seven gold medals in swimming in the 1972 Olympics.
What is it with rednecks and motorized vehicles, anyway? Give a redneck a set of keys to a piece of equipment with an engine in it, then sit back and watch the fireworks because you know that the redneck mind is incapable of properly traveling from start to finish without a major hitch.
Murphy’s law will always apply if there is a redneck in the mix. Something will go wrong because it can go wrong. And that is when the laughter begins.
Without further ado, here are a couple of redneck videos about vehicles where Murphy’s law always rules.
I have to hire that guy to work on my house. My guess is he works cheaply.
The next vid is about a redneck tow truck driver. If you live where it snows, you probably learned somewhere along the line that where you hook the tow rope is of major importance. This redneck learned the hard way.
The last one is my favorite, and I give that one five stars: *****
What makes a Redneck house a home? The soft warm touches that you apply to your home are what differentiate your home from all of those other more mundane houses, of course. Those changes are how you make your house your home.
Having said that, the following houses should in no way be labeled mundane, but we do encourage labeling them as Redneck because the touches added by the owners are the opposite of soft and warm.
Whatever some of the homeowners were thinking when they had these beauties built is any body’s guess. Whether they qualify as homes rather than houses, however, is for you to decide. They definitely qualify as Redneck though.
It is safe to say that no ordinary redneck home is as creative as these highly unusual buildings. To my knowledge, none of these photos presented here have been photoshopped. So these wonders actually are what they appear to be.
Although the builders’ motivations when they created these abodes will forever remain a mystery for many of them, the builders were most likely the attention seeking type. Because these houses definitely will draw stares from passersby.
Our first house is from Japan, where square footage in a home is often kept to a minimum because of land cost. Notice the small footprint on the ground. This building appears to have little room inside unless it features many stairs, which, I have heard, is common in Japan.
The creator of this property obviously had an upside down view of the world. The home was built prior to the current housing crisis, so it is unlikely that the homeowner was upside down in his mortgage like some unfortunate homeowners are today.
*****
Our second home is also upside down, but this home was built as a political statement by Daniel Czapiewski in Szymbark, Poland. Daniel had a few extra zlotychs (the Polish currency) so he built the upside down house as a way of voicing his opinion against the logic of the Polish communist government’s methods of governing.
Most people make political statements in writing or speeches. Daniel followed a different drummer, and the ensuing short video explains more about Daniel and the topsy turvy political statement he built.
*****
This building or group of buildings is one of my favorites. The colors are remarkable. In fact, it almost appears that the builder let his kids loose to draw on the outside of the structure, which is replete with lots of hearts and funny faces.
It might be a bit strange though, being single and living here. Imagine bringing your special friend back to your place. One look at the outside would scare away all but the most open minded individuals.
It has been said that being too open minded may allow your brains to fall out. Just such an occurrence is a distinct possibility here.
Imagine throwing a party for your friends from work. “Just follow 4th Street until you come to the crayon colored house.”
Your co-workers certainly would not see you in the same light anymore once they were back at the office.
*****
Are those faces looking back at you from this photo? The second floor windows definitely appear as eyes, although the mouth seems somewhat evasive.
The structure appears as if you were looking at a fun house mirror–like your belly or your butt is really fatter than reality. This building looks more like a facade on a commercial building, but that’s okay.
It’s the odd look we’re after, so commercial property is just fine. This one has a very pleasing look. If it’s a restaurant, the dining experience shows promise.
*****
The world’s first, and hopefully last, toilet shaped house was built by Sim Jae-duck, the South Korean born chairman of the organizing committee of the Inaugural General Assembly of the World Toilet Association.
I, for one, never knew that there even was an Inaugural General Assembly of the World Toilet Association. But I lead a sheltered life anyway. I am sure you were aware of the Association, weren’t you?
It is really too bad that old Sim wasn’t named Sim Jae-Loo, which would be a fitting name for a house built like a loo. But that would have been too easy. If you are going to make jokes about the toilet house, we’re certainly not going to make it that easy for you.
Sim Jae-duck’s motivation for creating this giant commode was to draw attention to his feeling that there is an urgent global need for better sanitation. Evidently ol’ slim Sim wants us all to flush more often. I wonder what happens to the furniture when he flushes?
Sim named his creation Haewoojae, which is Korean for “a place of sanctuary where one can solve one’s worries.” Well, all of you wives know that is what men use the loo for anyway. There is nothing new in that.
McCafferty Himself 
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