Category Archives: satire

South African Cops Out Brutalize US Counterparts

The US media has been abuzz lately over the almost weekly incidents of police brutality caught on video by the general public. In New York City, on July 17, 2014, Eric Garner was killed by New York police, including officer Daniel Pantaleo who appeared in a video to be holding Garner in a choke hold.

police_arrest_Garner

Although the medical examiner ruled Garner’s death a homicide, a grand jury declined an indictment. Pantaleo was not charged.

And what terrible crime did Garner commit? He was charged with selling “loosies,” which are single cigarettes sold without the proper tax. (1) What does a single cigarette sans tax sell for? 20-25 cents?

For want of tax on a two-bit cigarette, Eric Garner, father of six, gave his life. Naahh! That doesn’t sound like police overkill to me. Clearly, it was justifiable homicide. We cannot have common criminals cheating the government out of 5 cents tax, now can we?

In South Carolina cops dispense with the choke holds and shoot unarmed motorists in the back, or at least that is what patrolman Michael Slager allegedly did last April 4, 2015.

Slager, who is white, pulled over African American motorist Walter Scott for a broken tail light, a capital crime if ever there was one. For some reason the confrontation escalated, Scott tried to flee, and Slager emptied eight rounds into Scott’s back.

It’s a good thing that Slager loaded up on hollow points the previous week. An officer needs all the fire power he can muster in these troubled times.

Here’s a pictorial showing the course of events:

slager_scott

The big question here is why did a simple traffic stop escalate into the death of a motorist? Slager said that Scott grabbed Slager’s taser at which point Slager “felt threatened.” Other pundits speculate that Scott was afraid of being arrested for an outstanding warrant for unpaid child support, making him behave in a threatening manner.

Perhaps Officer Slager simply woke up that day and decided to end someone. Slager appeared calm, cool and collected throughout the video, even nonchalant. Maybe he calmly looked Scott in the eye and said something like, “Run, (N-word) cuz I’m gonna kill ya.”

That would make me run. I’m handicapped and cannot run, but hearing those words from a crazed looking cop would make me run anyway.

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In 1985 in Tennessee v. Garner, the U. S. Supreme Court ruled that the Fourth Amendment permits police to shoot at a fleeing suspect only when he “poses a threat of serious physical harm, either to the officer or to others.” (2) That, of course, or a broken brakelight. It’s a little known codicil to the Court’s decision that Police can shoot you if you have a broken brakelight.

Despite all of the hullabaloo about the violent behavior of U.S. police officers, the USA is no where near the worst in the world when you compare police violence.

MidoMacia2

Compare U.S. police escapades to that of their South African counterparts and the U.S. cops simply pale by comparison. Mido Macia would undoubtedly confirm that statement, if he were still alive that is.

Emidio Josias Macia, known as Mido, was a Mozambican immigrant to South Africa and a taxi driver who was killed near Johannesburg while in the custody of the South African Police Service (SAPS) on February 26, 2013. (3) The manner in which Mido came to be in police custody and part of the cause of his death were captured on video.

Watch the following video only if you have a strong stomach, cuz it ain’t pretty. NSFW:

The brazenness of the SAPS in this video is remarkable. They had to know that at least one person in the large crowd of onlookers would be filming their brutality, yet they deliberately tortured the man to death anyway.

Just how did the Police justify their behavior? They claimed that Macia had caused a traffic jam and then resisted arrest. (4) Well, that explains it then. Case closed.

Macia was found dead hours after his dragging in a police holding cell, lying half dressed in a pool of blood. (5) Half dressed means he was discovered sans trousers even though the video shows him wearing what appeared to be blue jeans at the time of his “arrest.”

A second autopsy that was ordered after the first autopsy, which was a typical whitewash, blamed Mido’s death on a jailhouse fight. The second autopsy stated that Macia died of hypoxia, which is a lack of oxygen, “but he also sustained deep cuts to his arms, possibly in an attempt to defend himself, and there were bruises over his body, his face and his genitals. Almost all of his internal organs were damaged, and he had suffered bleeding around his brain.” (6)

See how creative the SAPS are? They don’t rely on the old tried and true to eliminate their victims. Any number of Macia’s injuries might have eventually killed him, so the SAPS left nothing to chance. Very thorough, those SAPS lads.

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Compare that to South Carolina’s Officer Slager, who dispatched Walter Scott with eight rounds to the back. No creativity there.

A British newspaper, The Guardian, reported that during a recent five year period a total of 11,880 criminal cases were opened with the South African Independent Police Investigative Directorate (IPID). This resulted in just 2,576 prosecutions and 129 convictions‚ meaning that only 1% of criminal cases opened against police officials ended in a conviction. (7)

That 1% probability of any penalty would explain the SAPS’ brazenness in the Macia case. Why not do the crime if you know you won’t do the time?

And what has happened in the two + years since Macia’s death? Nine SAPS have been charged, and the trial has been postponed and postponed again. The latest trial date is set for July 2015. What do you want to bet it will be delayed again?

U.S. cops have a long way to go to catch up with the vile violence of their South African counterparts, but don’t sell our boys and girls in blue short. Yankee ingenuity has won out in the past.

Now all of you American cops get busy and start offing the public.

Citations:

(1) Death of Eric Garner, Wikipedia. Retrieved 6/14/2015.
(2) South Carolina Cop Charged With Murder After Video Shows Him Shooting Motorist in the Back, reason.com. Retrieved 6/14/2015.
(3, 4) Death of Mido Macia, Wikipedia, Retrieved 6/14/2015.
(5, 6) Dead taxi driver who was dragged behind South African police van ‘was facing homicide charge’, The Independent. Retrieved 6/14/2015.
(7) South Africa reports of police brutality more than tripled in the last decade, The Guardian. Retrieved 6/14/2015.

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Get fit with the Goose Step Master

This is an updating of a post previously published 7/16/2011.

Ah, mein herr! Remember all of those infomercials you have seen on late night and weekend TV coaxing you to buy this or that device to tone up your body? The ab this or that or the thigh buster, master or whatever?

Well, forget them all because The Goose Step Master has arrived on the scene just in the nick of time to help you hone your body so you can become the perfect you.

“As Seen in the War!”

Ever watch videos of World War II to see the German or Russian soldiers goose step down the promenade?

Eine, Zwei, Drei, Vier!—One, Two, Three, Four!

You must be in good shape to keep up with those Nazi soldiers or their Russian counterparts as they flawlessly goose step down the avenue. You won’t see any slackers doing the goose step, that’s for sure. Naturally you neither admire nor share the Nazi philosophy, but you certainly must respect the German soldiers’ physical ability to goose step down the promenade with nary a misstep.

You must be in excellent physical shape to march so vigorously for long uninterrupted periods.

“Be as Fit as the Nazi SS”

Now you can be as fit as the dreaded Nazi Waffen SS soldiers with our patented Goose Step Master. Order our Goose Step Master now and we will include a free workout video showing how those Nasty Nazis learned to master the goose step.

The Germans may not have won the war, but they certainly were losers who were in the best of shape. Perhaps they’ll do better in World War III?

Yes! You can get as fit as the Luftwaffe in the privacy of your own home. For a limited time, if you are one of the first 3.9  million to order, you will also receive a CD of the inspirational “Luftwaffe March.” If ever there was a song to go off to war to, it was the “Luftwaffe March.”

Our double action, calorie bursting, thigh thinning Goose Step Master can be used in the tranquil quietude  of your own peaceful abode. No more noisy athletic clubs with exorbitant monthly fees for you. No more hurrying to the gym after work. Use the butt busting Goose Step Master whenever and whereever you want.

Click the play button on the following podcast to listen to the inspirational Luftwaffe March as you read more about our Goosestep Master.

 

Free autographed photo of Sergeant Schultz

Now, for only the first 15.6 million responses, we will include a free autographed photo of the notorious but lovable Sergeant Schultz, as seen on the popular Hogan’s Heroes TV show.

“I know nothing!”

Sergeant Schultz was one of the most popular Nazis of all time, either before or after the war.

Have you ever noticed that Schultz’s initials were S.S. (Sergeant Schultz) as in Nazi Waffen SS? Coincidence? We don’t think so.

Not $599

Not $399

If you order our patented Goosestep Master now without delay you won’t pay $599…you won’t pay $399. Order right now and the patented Goosestep Master is yours for only 99 weekly payments of just $17.99, plus a modest shipping and handling fee of $99.98. 

You will also receive at no extra cost to you our very own Goosestep Master workout video, which displays workout secrets of Nazi Stormtroopers among many others.  Don’t forget that we will also include a CD of the inspirational “Luftwaffe March” for the first 3.9 million orders received.

If that isn’t enough remember that the first 15.6 million responses will also receive signed photos of the affable Sergeant Schultz from the Hogan’s Heroes TV series at no extra cost to you. That means it’s free ladies and gents.

Order now…order today…order quickly without delay…and we will send you our patented Goosestep Master via overnight delivery for a mere additional special handling fee of $49.99. That means you could be working out on you very own patented Goosestep Master in the quiet confines of your own home by this time tomorrow.

Now is the time to avoid buyer’s remorse before all of our 98 million patented Goosestep Masters are sold, so hurry and order today to prevent possible future disappointment!

Special One Time Offer!

Because we still have a few Goose Step Masters remaining in stock (specifically 97,999,998 of ’em as of January, 2014) we are now offering three Goose Step Masters for the price of two. That’s right ladies and gents, buy two Goose Step Masters for the regular price and get a third Goose Step Master FREE!

Wow! Be sure to order as soon as possible before the rest of our 97.999 million Goose Step Masters are gone. Order yours today!

Offer is void in Pierre, South Dakota, or wherever sales of Nazi memorabilia is prohibited.

Learn German While You’re Drunk

This ad practically grabbed me by my shirt collar when I first stumbled across it. “Learn German while you’re drunk!” What a unique idea!

A concept like this will change lives! Plus it is right up my alley because I am Irish after all. Everyone knows that the Irish possess an inveterate propensity for drinking to excess.

“Have you always wanted to learn another language but been too drunk to bother?” Well…Duh! Ja wohl mein herr. Why else would I be monolingual after all these years? It certainly wasn’t by choice. Being bilingual is almost mandatory to make it in the world today. I truly feel left out in my current condition.

“…absorb large amounts of new information quickly…by directly accessing your DRUNKEN MIND.” Finally, my drunken mind becomes an asset rather than a liability.

Eins, Zwei, Drei. One, two, three. “Du Kannst Deutsch speaken!” You can speaken German! It’s really that easy–as easy as one, two, three.

I have often longed to access my drunken mind to learn where I left my car keys, for example, where I left my car or even where and why I left my girl friend. So far my drunken mind has refused to cooperate, and my girl friend will be so mad.

Now this ad promises that I will be able to access my drunken mind to learn to speak German. Oh mein Gott im Himmel. If this is really true, it will truly change things for many of us including college students. Move over Harvard and Yale because the party colleges are movin’ on up.

The University of Georgia at Athens, Penn State and the University of Florida, which have been the nation’s top party colleges will become the new college meccas for both academic standings as well as the top party schools. Kids drink at all colleges, but it is well-known that party schools start bingeing on Thursday night and generally drink until Monday morning. Think of all the time when your drunken mind will be sopping up all that knowledge while you party non-stop.

Being a member of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) will become a badge of honor because AA members will soon be intellectuals as well. If your dad owns a liquor store, you will be Mr. Popularity in high school. The pecking order will change world-wide, and three martini lunches will become the norm.

I never thought I would live to see this day. Now if we could only do something about the hangover.

Boeing 720 Gives Birth to Cessna 172

News of Note:

Dateline: Washington, D.C. The Washington Post reported today that a Boeing 720 has given birth to a Cessna 172 single prop aircraft. The proud papa is an Airbus 340, and this is the first successful mating in captivity of a Boeing with a French made Airbus according to the Post’s report.

Prior to this the Boeing has been far too shy to mate while in captivity, whereas the French Airbus will mate pretty much anywhere. Said French President Nicolas Sarkozy, “But, of course, it eez a French aircraft. What else would you expect?”

An unidentified source at Boeing was reported to have hinted that the Boeing company has begun to embrace the outlook that breeding new airplanes will prove far more cost effective than manufacturing them. The difficult part of the process will be rearing and training the young Cessna both to develop and behave like a Boeing.

“This process is still in its infancy, if you will pardon the pun,” said the source. “A great deal more study is needed to produce the type of offspring we desire.”

Last month a Russian made IL-78 Tanker gave birth to twins, while another tanker had triplets. Here is a photo of the tanker mother breast feeding her twin MIG-31s. Another photo of a an IL Tanker mother feeding her jet fighter triplets is below that.

Although prolific, the Russian tankers have proven to be less than reliable. The problem with the IL Tanker is that it will mate with just about anything, and the fathers of both the twins and the triplets are unknown.

An unidentified source at Boeing said that it is difficult to obtain a very high sales price for such mutt fighters. When the father is some unknown crazy Russian aircraft, there just is not much of a market for those type of planes.

There was even one case of an IL-78 that had hooked up with an Italian sports car. “We believe that the suitor was a lead footed Ferrari, but we put stop to that relationship in a hurry,” said a Russian spokesman.

“Imagine what the result of that mating might be,” said the spokesman. “The offspring would probably have to be sent directly to the scrap yard.”

“These tankers simply have to begin staying away from the type of machine that is a bad influence,” the source said.

We also show a photo of a Boeing and the Airbus just prior to the mating ritual. The photo depicts just how precarious aircraft mating can be.

An Airbus spokesperson is reported to have stated that any premature disarticulation could prove catastrophic for both aircraft. “An error of that nature at that altitude could render both airplanes sterile,” the spokesperson said.

“We certainly do not need an Airbus in our fleet that is incapable of procreation. Fatherhood is a trait the French people cherish highly. And that goes for our aircraft as well,” the spokesperson said.

The final photo is that of a French Airbus 300 being prepared for surgery to reverse a vasectomy, which was previously a common procedure for the Airbus. The French wanted to prevent unwanted little airbuses suddenly appearing without notice.

Now that parturition is becoming more common for these aircraft, reverse vasectomies are also increasingly popular.

Headless Redneck Businessman


This redneck has obviously lost his head, and he does not appear to be handling it all that well. Unfortunately, some folks’ personalities simply do not shine during a crisis.

“Hey mister! Have you seen my head anywhere around here? It was here just a minute ago. No, it‘s not in there.”

Mr. Businessman, did you know that it was Rudyard Kipling who said: “If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you.”

Mister redneck obviously has not read Kipling because he has already lost his head, and, although there is no indication on where he is placing the blame, an educated guess says it is being placed on someone other than himself.

And…yes, he does appear to be rather affected by it all. Does the word frantic come to mind?

“Well, it just has to be here somewhere?”

Here‘s a thought. Let us try to be logical about this. Where were you when you last saw your head? Perhaps we can retrace your steps.

“I had it when I left home this morning. The Missus and I were having an argument. She is ready to have a baby, because it seems that her biological clock is ticking. I think that is what set it all off.”

Now we are getting somewhere. You say that the missus’ clock is ticking? That sheds a new light on the situation. Nary a man dead or alive was ever capable of keeping his head when the better half had a ticking clock. Like it or not, her hormones will take over the relationship, and the male has not a chance.

Your choice is simple, dear sir. Your mistake was to think that your headless existence was a result of a physical malady. The reality is that it is completely psychological. Your life as a family man is about to be changed forever by the tick-tock of your wife’s hormones. The longer that you fight that ticking, the more exasperating your miserable existence will be.

However, the cure is simple. You either succumb to your other half’s wishes or your head will be lost to you forever. No man can compete when female hormones are out of control. Agree to have the baby or face a future of headless frustration.

But it could be worse. You could be missing more essential parts of your anatomy.

But do not fret. That will come after the baby does.

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