Category Archives: woman

Sexy Girls of Science Video Causes Uproar

In an effort to induce more girls to consider careers in science, the European Commission (EC) produced a slick minute long video that turned out to be so sexist that it caused an uproar. The vid reeks of stiletto high heels and mini skirts and has been thoroughly panned by virtually everyone who sees it.

The EC promptly pulled the video, but defended itself saying that the video tried to “speak their language to get their attention,” referring to young girls. The intent was to produce a video that is “fun, catchy” and would strike a chord with young girls.

The vid, which is entitled “Science: It’s A Girl Thing!,” makes many women who are already employed in the sciences feel insulted by the video’s “sexist” tone and do not think it is “fun” or “catchy” in any way.

In NewStatesman Martha Gill wrote “This kind of campaign insults women who are interested in science already and can more than hold their own with the boys.”

Although the video is already off the market, the EC promises more vids in a similar vein. “We want to overturn clichés and show women and girls, and boys too, that science is not about old men in white coats,” said Geoghegan-Quinn, European Research, Innovation and Science Commissioner speaking at the European Parliament in Brussels.

She said that the “Science, it’s a girl thing!” video is a teaser for a campaign to get more girls into science, and that the campaign will cover 27 EU member states over the next three years.

Quinn further said, “We’re trying to overcome stereotypes. Yet we’re targeting a whole gender – women in general. We need to find a way to appeal to the whole of womenkind. Yet we don’t want to use stereotypes. Yet we need to appeal to a whole gender. Yet we don’t want to use stereotypes.”

Assuming that is true, it is difficult to understand why the EC came up with this video, because everything in it is stereotypical.

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Drunk Woman Falls in Front of Train, Narrowly Escapes Death – Video

An apparently inebriated 26-year-old woman narrowly escaped death Friday in the Boston MBTA subway as she fell into the path of an oncoming train. The heroic train driver somehow managed to stop the train just as the very tip of the front of the first car passed over the woman who by this time was lying on the tracks and possibly fearing the worst.

The woman had attempted to stomp out her cigarette and watch for the train at the same time as the train approached, and that is when she stumbled and fell directly onto the tracks. During the whole process she also somehow managed not to touch the electrified third rail, which also might have meant death for the woman.

After the woman fell onto the tracks, other commuters frantically attempted to alert the train driver that someone was on the tracks by waving their arms at the train’s driver.

MBTA train operator Charice Lewis saw the passengers at North Station flailing their arms as the train approached the station. At approximately the same time, she heard her radio frantically warn her to pull the emergency brake because someone had fallen onto the tracks.

“It was so close, I thought it was not good,’’ said the 27-year-old Lewis, a train operator from Mattapan. “Afterward she came up with a big smile on her face and I’m like ‘Oh my God, you really scared me,’ ’’ Lewis said. “The most exciting part for me is she crawled out from under (the train).’’

Lewis received a called from the governor after the incident and also was honored as a hero yesterday by Secretary of Transportation Jeffrey Mullan.

The woman on the tracks has not been identified; however, she had scraped her knees but was otherwise was reported to be okay. According  to police she had been drinking for several hours before the event. The woman was treated and evaluated at Massachusetts General Hospital.

Drunk Kicks Blind Woman’s Seeing Eye Dog – Video


It’s caught on video! A woman’s seeing eye dog is assaulted by a drunk female pedestrian at the entrance to the downtown Target store in Minneapolis.

It is very difficult to see happen in the video, but the woman in the blue shirt gradually angled her walking path over toward 53-year-old Lynnette Lijewski and her service dog, Brook. When she passed Lynnette and Brook, she kicked Brook in the face.

It had to be deliberate because she had such a short amount of time to angle her way over to the pair of them.

Watch this woman and her nasty deed in action:

Is that crazy or what? What could possibly motivate someone to do something like that? It is just so weird! The perpetrator is a 46-year-old local woman, but the police would not release her name initially.

I, for one, would love to embarrass her by publishing her name. She has been cited for animal cruelty, which means she merely receives a ticket, I believe.

Wheelchair Bound and Mugged by Teens
“They Told Me to Kill, to Rape Children” – Video
Family Claims Cop Cruiser Needlessly Ran Down Son
Gang of Kids Caught Roasting Puppies Alive
Woman Caught Poisoning Supermarket Baby Food

Cops Find Baby Squirrel Hiding in Woman’s Cleavage – Video


Police detectives in Warren, Ohio, got one nutty surprise as they were interviewing a woman about a murder investigation. During the course of the interview with the woman, who dressed in a low cut tank top to show off her more than ample cleavage, Homicide detective Wayne Mackey was somewhat taken aback when a baby squirrel popped from between the woman’s rather large breasts.

Actually Mackey was more than taken aback, he was stunned. “No, I was not prepared to see a woodland creature in the interview room,” Mackey said.

“I just kept right on talking to her and listening to her. I didn’t acknowledge it at all.”

Whether or not Mackey’s response is correct police procedure for such a situation is unknown. It is not a subject that is adequately covered in the police academy.

Perhaps following Mackey’s lead, the woman also did not discuss the event either. As the squirrel struggled from between its two cozy pillows, the woman merely snatched the rodent up and stashed it back between its human nests.

“I really didn’t know what to say,” said Mackey. Do not despair Detective Mackey, many a virginal lad has been dumbfounded into stunned silence when confronted with previously unknown secrets of the female anatomy.

Neither the woman nor her pal Rocky were taken into custody.

  • Rocky the Drunken Squirrel
  • Funny Kitty is a Peanut Thief
  • Zoologist Goes on Tranquilizing Rampage
  • Monkey See – Monkey Do Too – Video

Funny Irish Drinking Stories, Limericks, Irish Proverbs and Irish Blessings – Video

I have decided to add the category of limericks to our Irish drinking stories, blessings and proverbs. Ireland does not have a corner on the limerick market, but Ireland has certainly contributed its share in that area. I have always enjoyed limericks, so I hope that you, too, will like the additional fun.

***

As Father Fitzgerald was walking down the street in Dublin, he spied across the way young Michael Donovan, a small boy living in his parish. Michael was at the door of a home across the street attempting to push the doorbell.

But young Michael is on the short side and the doorbell, which is a bit on the high side, was simply too high for him to reach no matter how hard he stretched. Father watched young Michael stretch and strain toward the bell for a short time, but the bell drew no closer to the small child‘s fingers.

Father Fitzgerald strode quickly across the street ending up directly behind Michael standing at the door. While gently placing his hand on the small child’s shoulder, the good man of God bent lower and gave the doorbell a firm, hard ring.

Then, squatting down lower to young Michael’s height, Father Fitzgerald smiled knowingly and asked, “And now what, my young man?”

“Now, Fadder?” replied Michael grinning, “Now we run!”



Limericks

Epitaph on a tombstone somewhere in Pennsylvania:

Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake,
Stepped on the gas
instead of the brake.

Another epitaph in a cemetery in Thurmont, Maryland:

Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.


A true Irishman considers a bore to be someone who constantly interrupts.

A true Irishman considers anyone who won’t come around to his point of view to be hopelessly stubborn.

(Aha! Now I know where I got that trait!)

A true Irishman has so much respect for the truth that he uses it only in emergencies.


The three elderly Gallagher sisters have never married, they go everywhere together and they are all hard of hearing. One windy Spring day as they are walking down the streets of Dublin…

Mary Elizabeth says, “Whew, it is sure windy today.”

Molly replies, “No, no. Today is Thursday.”

Kathleen says, “So am I. Let’s find a bar!


Whenever I dream,
It seems I dream
Of Erin’s rolling hills
Of all its lovely, shimmery lakes
And little babbling rills.
I hear a colleen’s lilting laugh
Across a meadow fair.
And in my dreams
Its almost seems
To me that I am there
O, Ireland! O, Ireland!
We’re Never far apart
For you and all your beauty
Fill my mind and touch my heart.


May the love and protection
Saint Patrick can give
Be yours in abundance
As long as you live.


‘Twas late one Saturday night, when the local Garda (police officer) spied Timothy O’Carroll driving in quite a meandering fashion along the streets of County Cork. After pulling him over, the policeman asked O’Carroll if he had been drinking that night.

“Who told on me?” asked Timothy. “Well, so I have, occifer. So I have,” continued the thoroughly drunk O’Carroll. “It’s Saturday night, you know. Me and me lads, we made a stop by the pub, but I only had six or seven pints, that’s all.”

“But then they had somethin’ called ‘Happy Hour’ during which they served these delicious margaritos, or margaritas? Anyway they are quite good. I had four…no five of those. Then I had promised to drive O’Hara, me friend, home, and he invited me in. Well, I had to go in for a couple pints of Guinness. I really couldn’t be rude, now occifer, Could I? Of course, on the way home I stopped to get another pint for later…”

At that point Timothy began fumbling around inside his coat and suddenly lifted up a bottle of whiskey for the Garda to inspect.

The policeman gave a deep sigh, saying “Sir, you will need to step out of the vehicle to take a breathalyzer.”

Indignantly, O’Carroll replied, “Why? Don’t you believe me?”


Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.


Some days you’re the dog, other days the hydrant.


Another Limerick

There once was an old man of Lyme
Who married three wives at a time.
When asked, “Why a third?”
He replied, “One’s absurd!
And bigamy, sir, is a crime.”


Brian O’Connell drives a double-decker bus through the streets of Dublin. One day a very drunk Timothy Fogarty climbed aboard Brian’s bus taking a seat on the bottom deck near Brian. As you may or may not know, Brian is required not to allow any drunks onto his bus, but today he felt rather light-hearted so he decided to allow the inebriated Fogarty remain on board.

As is his wont when he has had a few Timothy began talking a mean streak, which induced Brian to suggest that Timothy should sit on the upper deck.

“The air up there is clean and fresh, and you will get a much improved view,” encouraged Brian.

Fogarty agreed and stumbled his way up top. However, he returned in only a few minutes.

“What’s wrong?” Brian asked. “Didn’t you like it better up there?”

Timothy replied, “It’s okay. But it’s too dangerous.”

“Too dangerous?” queried Brian. “How is that?”

“There’s no driver,” answered Fogarty.

At the very next stop two more drunks climbed on board the bus. The first drunk was Bill O‘Brien and the second was Tommy Lynch. Bill asked driver O‘Connell, “Will this bus take me to 35th Avenue?”

“No, it won’t,” answered Brian.

After a short pause, Tommy Lynch asked, “What about me?”



For our video today we present the voice of Orla Fallon of Celtic Woman singing “Isle of Inisfree:”

Tall Tales of Irish Drinking Stories, Blessings and Proverbs

It is that time once again where we post some of the finest drinking stories from ol’ Erin itself. We have also added a few Irish blessings, and where would we be without an Irish proverb or two? So grab yourself a pint of Guinness and sit back ready to be treated to some of Ireland’s best. You know that Guinness is brewed at St. James’ gate in ol’ Dublin. Now that is a no lose proposition in itself, it is.

Old man Fogarty arrives home several hours past closing time, and he is still feeling the effects of a long night of imbibing, he is. As he stumbles through his front door who does he meet, but none other than Missus Fogarty, herself. And Missus Fogarty is none too pleased with the condition of Mister Fogarty, don‘t you know.

“Aw, well look at this, now!” says the missus. “Mister Fogarty Himself has finally decided to grace us with his presence, he has.”

“Well, I…” begins Fogarty. But Missus Fogarty quickly interrupts.

“Michael Fogarty! Don’t you give me any of your lame excuses! At what Irish pub have you been wasting away all of my hard earned wages this time?” demands Missus Fogarty.

“At this beautiful new establishment, my love,” replies Fogarty. “It is called The Golden Pub. Everything there is golden, everything, I tell you.”

“Don’t you ‘My Love’ me Michael Fogarty. And don’t you be tellin’ me one of your tall tales. You know there is no such place as the Golden Pub. The Good Lord will punish you for telling’ such lies, He will.”

But Fogarty insists, “Sure, but there is such a place, Missus Fogarty! It has huge golden doors, an’ a golden floor, an’ a golden foot rail at the bar. Pray that the Good Lord will strike me down where I stand if I’m a lyin’. Missus Fogarty, even the urinal is gold!”

But Missus Fogarty does not believe ol’ Fogarty’s story and says, “Don’t you be takin’ the Good Lord’s name in vain Michael Fogarty. Golden Pub, indeed! Off to bed with ya’ now. Go sleep it off!”

But the very next mornin’ finds Missus Fogarty poring through the phone book, searching for a saloon called The Golden Pub. Sure enough, she finds a bar far across Dublin with the same name.

Missus dials the number listed to check on ol’ Fogarty’s story. “Is this the Golden Pub?” she asks as the bartender answers the phone.

“It is,” replies the bartender.

“An’ do you have huge golden doors?” asks Missus Fogarty.

“But of course we do, Missus,” answers the bartender.

“Do you have golden floors too?”

“That we do, missus.”

“An’ a golden foot rail at the bar?” queries Missus Fogarty.

“Yes, ma’am. We have that too.”

“What about golden urinals?”

Then there is a long pause…after which Missus Fogarty hears the bartender yelling in the background, “Hey, O‘Hara, I think I just got a lead on who took a leak in your saxophone!”

_____________________________________

May the Road Rise to Meet You…

Do you know that it recently came to our attention that we have not published one of Ireland’s oldest and most famous blessings. Of course we could not let such a glaring omission continue any longer. Thanks to an oral tradition of passing down Irish blessings, now several versions of this famous blessing pass the lips of many an Irish clan. The original author is unknown. Without further ado, we offer our favorite version:

May the road rise to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face.
May the rains fall soft upon your fields
And, until we meet again,
May God rest you in the palm of His hand.

_____________________________________

May You Have these Blessings…

May You Have these Blessings…
Good Health to make life enjoyable
Good fortune to make it bright
And lots of happiness always
With everything going just right.

_____________________________________

A True Irishman gets married for life, but not necessarily for love.

_____________________________________

Thomas Flanagan was trying to learn the game of golf and having just a stinking time of it. “I would give nearly anything to get this game right, I would!” Thomas loudly exclaimed in exasperation.

Suddenly Satan himself appeared out of thin air and asked Thomas, “Anything?”

Of course, Thomas was quite surprised to find the Devil, himself, speaking to him. “Well…I guess, short of selling my soul, yes I would,” replied Thomas.

So Satan offered, “How about giving up sex for the remainder of your life?”

Thomas was quite taken aback by the offer, but he gave a wide grin as he quickly accepted the devil‘s offer. “Done!” he said.

Thomas finished his round of golf in remarkably good form, so the rumor of his deal with Satan rapidly spread throughout the course clubhouse. Timothy O’Shea was one of the club’s members, but he was also a news reporter who smelled a story in the making.

Back in the clubhouse O’Shea asked Thomas, “Sir, there is a rumor going around the clubhouse that you made a deal with the Devil, himself, to become a truly great golfer. Is there any truth to that rumor?”

“Yes sir! It is true enough, it is,” answered Thomas. “And it was a wise bargain on my part, for I just completed a nearly perfect round of golf, I did.”

“And is it also true that you gave up sex for the rest of your life as your part of the agreement?” asked O’Shea.

“Again your are right, sir. True again!” replied Thomas Flanagan.

“And may I get your name, sir, for my story?” asked the reporter.

“But of course. It’s Flanagan. Father Thomas Flanagan.”

_____________________________________

An Irishman considers a bore to be someone who keeps constantly interrupting.

_____________________________________

May your blessings outnumber
The Shamrocks that grow
And may trouble avoid you
Wherever you go.

_____________________________________

A Blessing For You and Yours…

May the grace of God’s protection
And His great love abide
Within your home-within the hearts
Of all who dwell inside.

_____________________________________

Today’s video is in YouTube’s new widescreen HD format and features the remarkable Lisa Kelly with the equally remarkable Celtic Woman singing “May It Be.

More Celtic Woman
More Irish Drinking Stories, Blessings and Proverbs

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Elevators and Racism?

This video makes an important societal point in a very funny way.

Unfortunately, in order to maintain my PG rating for this blog, I was forced to delete the most offensive profanity from the vid. There are still a couple of mildly offensive words, but nothing you do not hear on network television every day.

I am certain that there is a lot of truth to the point raised in this video. However, I have run into the same reactions to my own presence in elevators, and I am, and appear as, a non-threatening white male.

I have noticed women transferring their purse to the shoulder opposite me, and they usually clutch it a little tighter. Women are victims a great deal more than men are in society today. It is only natural that their body language will betray the innate fear that most of them have about becoming a victim at the hands of any male regardless of the race.

But it was still a very funny video.

Now my problem is that I do not have a category for this video. There is not a lot of racism humor out there these days because it is a topic that most of us want to stay away from. If any of you can think of a more specific category other than video humor for this video, I am willing to listen.

More Video Humor

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Funny Automotive Bloopers and Misadventures

Our video depicts a female bus driver who unwittingly sets out to experience an off road adventure, but she is not in an SUV. No, she is driving a bus, but it is still an adventure and it is definitely off road.

When I first watched the video of this woman bus driver, I suspected that it was fake. The bus must drive right over one or two cars parked in the parking lot for this video to be authentic, and that alone screamed of unlikely authenticity.

However, after watching it several times, I noticed that other vehicles which were in the first part of the video, when the camera was aimed where the bus was headed, were also in the second half of the video. Those vehicles were the same color, shape and size plus their location was the same too.

Sadly for the bus driver, this video appears to be real. But it probably no longer matters to her because it is unlikely that she is still working at that job. Would you keep her on after seeing her drive in that video?

How about Baseball Bloopers?
Perhaps Parachute and Hang Glider Bloopers?
Japanese Baseball Humor?

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Irish Drinking Stories, Blessings and Proverbs Galore – Video

Hopping LeprechaunAh! Irish drinking stories, Irish blessings and Irish proverbs are my favorite posts. If for some reason I could not post these, I might forget the activity altogether. And we do have some remarkable samples today, if I do say so myself.

Thomas O’Shea, an Irish solicitor from Waterford County, was on holiday in the country doing a bit of fox hunting. After a long chase and a valiant effort on the part of the fox, his group’s wounded prey had somehow managed to wiggle through a very small hole in a farmer’s fence and had met its end in the farmer’s field just the other side of the fence. The group’s dogs were unable to get through the fence, so they all gathered nearby the fence hole and at the same time were letting out a howling and ruckus that could be heard throughout the countryside.

As O’Shea dismounted his horse and began climbing over the fence to retrieve the fox, the elderly farmer who owned the land was drawn over to the site by the dogs’ incessant barking. The farmer, who went by the name of William Walsh, suddenly appeared before O’Shea and asked him what he was up to.

The litigator replied, “I shot that fox that you see lying there that my dogs chased over the countryside and through your fence, and now I intend to pick it up.”

However, old man Walsh had a different take on the situation and said to O’Shea in a rather smart tongue, “This is my property that ye’ve crossed onto, and I’m a’tellin’ ye that ye’re not takin’ my fox with ye.”

“Your fox!” cried O’Shea, who had become indignant at the mere thought that the fox belonged to the farmer. “I’ll have you know that I’ve chased that fox for kilometers, I have. Over hills and dales and through creek beds we ran. I’ve chased down that fox fair and square, and I intend to take it back with me to the clubhouse, oh yes I do!”

Old William Walsh replied, “The law says ye cannot hunt on a farmer’s land without his permission, and ye do not have my permission. The fox is mine.”

“The law!” yelled O’Shea. “I’ll have you know that I’m one of the very best solicitors in all of Ireland, I am. If you don’t let me retrieve that fox, I’ll take you to court for everything that you own!”

Old man Walsh cast a cagey eye over his adversary, then he said, “Well now, being as how ye’re a city feller and not from around here, ye don’t know how folks around here settle these things. Hereabouts we use the triple-kick method.”

“And what might that be?” asked the lawyer, sensing that there may be a way to settle this to his satisfaction.

Old Walsh said, “First I kick ye three times. Then ye do the same to me. We go back and forth like that till one or ta udder gives up.”

Thomas O’Shea ran this thought over in his mind. He soon decided that he could easily take this old man, and quickly agreed to the farmer‘s offer.

The old farmer slowly walked over to O‘Shea. Then he suddenly swung a hard right kick that implanted the toe of his heavy work boot into the solicitor’s privates, a kick that dropped Thomas O’Shea quickly to his knees.

The farmer then let loose with a second blow to O’Shea’s face that nearly broke the lawyer’s nose clean off of his face.

O’Shea lay prostrate on the ground in agony as the farmer prepared his third kick. It landed smack dab in the solicitor’s kidney forcing him to arch his back in profound pain. Writhing in absolute agony, the attorney was unsure whether or not he would be able to rise now that his turn had come.

Severe pain wracked O’Shea’s entire body as he dug deep down into his very soul for every ounce of will power and strength. Slowly, he dragged himself to an upright position with only thoughts of revenge raging through his head. O’Shea growled to Walsh, “Okay, you old fart, now it’s my turn.”

To which old man Walsh just smiled and said, “Naw! I believe that I’ll give up now. Ye won. Ye can have the fox.”


An Irish Drinking Toast
:

May your glass be ever full,
May the roof over your head be always strong,
And may you be in heaven
Half an hour before the devil knows you’re dead.

*****

Another Irish Toast:

Tis better to spend money like there’s no tomorrow than to spend tonight like there’s no money!

*****

Grady Quinn entered McCafferty’s Pub looking for someone he might know. He spied old Colin Murphy alone at a table, drinking all by himself and drinking fast and loose, he was. As Grady approached old Colin he noticed that Colin looked in terrible shape. “Colin,” said Grady. “You look just terrible, you do. What’s wrong my friend?”

Said Colin, “Me mother died in July, leavin’ me $40,000, she did.”

“Oh No!” replied Grady. “Well, no wonder you…”

“Wait!” interrupted Colin. “There’s more. Then in August me dear dad up and passed from the consumption. The dear man left me $80,000, he did.”

“Well, Colin, that’s just awful,” answered Grady. “Losing both of your parents in two months time would put a strain on the best of us, it would. No wonder you’re in here drinkin’ your sorrows away.”

“Listen!” said Colin. “There’s more yet. Then last month me favorite aunt fell sick and passed, just like that, she did. The dear soul left me $38,000.”

“Oh, Colin! You poor, poor man,” said Grady. “Losin’ three dear loved ones in just three months time. How terribly sad.”

“Then this month!” continued Colin. “This month came and went, it did. And…nothing!…absolutely nothing!”

*****


An Irish Blessing to Luck:

“May you have all the happiness
and luck that life can hold—
And at the end of all your rainbows
may you find a pot of gold.”

*****

Another Irish Blessing to Luck:

“May the luck of the Irish
Lead to happiest heights
And the highway you travel
Be lined with green lights.”

*****

Tis a little known fact that the Irish claim that Jesus was Irish. Of course, the claim usually arises only after a few pints have been consumed.

So, why do the Irish believe that Jesus was Irish?

Because he was 33, still lived at home, thought his mother was a virgin and she thought he was the son of God.

*****

Another Irish Blessing:

Like the warmth of the sun
And the light of the day,
May the luck of the Irish
Shine bright on your way.

*****

And we end our Blessings with a Gaelic Prayer that is centuries old. There are many versions of this Blessing, and this is but one of them:

Deep peace of the running waves to you.
Deep peace of the flowing air to you.
Deep peace of the smiling stars to you.
Deep peace of the quiet earth to you.
Deep peace of the watching shepherds to you.
Deep peace of the Son of Peace to you.

*****

Our video once again features Celtic Woman this time singing “Spanish Lady”:

More Irish Drinking Stories, Blessings and Proverbs

reddit_url=’http://mccaffertyspub.blogspot.com/2008/07/irish-drinnking-stories-blessings-and.html’
reddit_title=’Irish Drinking Stories, Blessings and Proverbs Galore – Video’

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Irish Drinking Stories, Blessings and Proverbs to Soothe the Soul

I do not post any Irish Drinking Stories that I personally do not find funny. So I hope that these stories, blessings and proverbs hit your funny bone the same as they do mine.

So you might understand the first story a little better, Garda is short for Garda Siochana na hEireann, which is Irish for “Peace Guard of Ireland” or “Guardians of the Peace of Ireland”–in short, a policeman.

Ol’ Murphy, the local Garda was always a disagreeable sort and today was no exception. He stopped Michael O’Connor, a local farmer, on a ridiculously minor traffic infraction and proceeded to berate poor O’Connor up one side and down the other. Murphy was truly taking an unfair advantage of his position as Policeman.

After Murphy finished his lecture, which O’Connor had patiently accepted, the constable began writing poor O’Connor up. While he was doing his writing, Murphy continually kept swatting at flies that circled around his head.

“The circle flies a botherin’ ye, are they, Murphy?” said Michael.

“And why do ye call ’em circle flies, old man?” asked the policeman.

“Well, on the farm, we call ’em that ’cause we always find ’em flying round and round the horses’ behinds,” replied O’Connor.

“Are you darin’ te be callin’ me a horse’s arse?” growled the Garda, who was so big and tall that he towered over the likes of the farmer, O‘Connor.

“Oh! Jesus, Mary and Joseph, no!” the farmer loudly protested. “I would never even think of doin’ any such thing.”

Thinking that he had intimidated O’Connor, Murphy returned to his writing.

“…kinda hard to fool the flies, though,” said O’Connor.

*****

May the grass grow long on the road to Hell for want of use.

*****

These things,
I warmly wish for you-
Someone to love,
Some work to do,
A bit of o’ sun
A bit o’ cheer
And a guardian angel
Always near.

*****

The English and the Irish have been at odds with each other for generations, so the following story will come as no surprise to anyone familiar with the history of the two countries.

As two very proper English ladies were discussing their vacation plans on a London street corner one day, Miss Molly O’Malley, a fine Irish lady, who was waiting for the trolley could not help overhearing.

“We are planning a simply lovely holiday in Devon this year,” said the first Englishwoman in a haughty tone.

“Oh you mustn’t do that,” replied the second Englishwoman. “There are far too many Irish there in Devon! It would be simply awful.”

“Oh! Dear me!” said the first English lady. “Well, where are you going to go?”

“Salisbury,” replied the second woman in a knowing manner.

“But Salisbury is simply crawling with Irish! That would be just terrible!” the first Englishwoman objected.

It was at this point that Miss Molly, the Irish lady, could bite her tongue no longer. “Why don’t ye both go t’ hell,” she interjected. “There’ll be no Irish there!”

*****

May your troubles be less
And your blessing be more
And nothing but happiness
Come through your door

*****

A true Irishman is very good at weekends, but not very good at the middle of the week.

*****

Although it was barely noon with the sun straight overhead, ol’ Fogarty already had a strong start at imbibing a healthy share of Guinness. In short, he was quite a bit nearer to a state of inebriation than he was to sobriety. Okay, truth be told, he was so drunk that he staggered from side to side as he walked along the street.

As he haltingly stepped first this way, then that, even a casual observer could see the state he was in. Two nuns who were approaching him noticed his condition immediately and were naturally quite nervous at the thought of passing near a man so drunk.

As they neared Fogarty, the two nuns split far apart with one walking wide to Fogarty’s left and the other walking just as wide to his right.

After the nuns had passed him by, Fogarty spun around and said, “Now how in the hell did she do that?”

*****

Now, an Irish Drinking Toast:

Here’s to me, and here’s to you,
And here’s to love and laughter.
I’ll be true as long as you,
And not one moment after.

*****

May you always have a clean shirt, a clear conscience, and enough coins in your pocket to buy a pint!

*****

Speaking of soothing the soul. Try another dose of Celtic Woman, which is a sure fire way to ease anyone’s spirit. Here they are performing Orinoco Flow.

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Celtic Woman

An Overabundance of Irish Drinking Stories, Irish Blessings and Irish Proverbs

Coin Flipping LeprechaunAh! Today we have an overabundance of funny Irish drinking Stories, heart warming Irish Blessings and insightful Irish proverbs, to be sure! Some of these are favorites of mine, so, hopefully, they will be favorites of yours. Peruse at your leisure.

Michael Harrington was at his weekly session in the office of his psychologist, Dr. O’Phelen. Michael said to his doctor, “Dr. O’Phelen, We had a family gathering last week end at my mother-in-law’s home, who, as I have told you before, makes a terrible pest of herself with her controlling behavior by butting into my marriage. I believe that I made a terrible Freudian slip while speaking to her.”

Dr. O’Phelen replied, “Well, it couldn’t have been that bad. What did you say to her?”

“Well,” replied Michael, “I had intended to say, ‘could you please pass the butter?’ But instead I said, ‘You silly cow! You have completely ruined my life.’”

*****

May you be poor in misfortune,
rich in blessings,
slow to make enemies,
quick to make friends.
But rich or poor, quick or slow,
may you know nothing but happiness
from this day forward.

*****

A true Irishman cries at sad movies, but cheers in battle.

*****

Kenny Sheehan is sitting in the pub, just looking at his drink. He doesn’t take so much as a sip of it, but, instead, he simply sits there staring at his drink for over an hour.

Big Mick Muldoon, who is six-foot-four and the village’s local trouble-maker has been watching ol’ Kenny for some time. Muldoon walks over to Kenny, takes Kenny’s drink and downs it in a single gulp.

Poor Kenny begins crying, so Big Muldoon says, “Aw, C’mon Kenny, I was only joking. Let me buy you another drink. I just hate to see an Irishman cry.”

“No, it’s not that, Muldoon. It’s just that this is the worst day of me life, and nothing has gone right for me this whole day. First, I’m late for work, I am, and for the umpteenth time to boot! So my boss…well, he finally fires me, he does.

“As I leave work to go to my car, it’s not where I parked it and I learn it’s been stolen. Ol’ Officer Billy Burns tells me there is little or nothing he can do about it, ye see.

“So I hail a cab to go home, but, as the cabbie drives off, I realize I left my wallet and credit cards inside the cab, I did.

“Discouraged and dejected, I drag meself inside me house. But when I get inside, I find me wife is in bed with our gardener. Oh, that woman broke me heart, she did.

“After that, I just had to get out of the house, so I walk down to the pub. As I’m sitting here thinking about ending me life, you show up and drink me poison.”

*****

May brooks and trees and singing hills
Join in the chorus too,
And every gentle wind that blows
Send happiness to you.

*****

An Irishman considers funerals a festivity but weddings sad events to be put off as long as possible, preferably forever.

*****

Patrick McMahon and Michael O’Shea bumped into each other on St. Stephen Green on the streets of Dublin, Ireland. Said O’Shea to McMahon, “Have ye seen ol’ Fogarty lately, Pat?”

Pat replied, “Well, I have, and then again I haven’t.”

O’Shea then asked, “Well, tell me now, McMahon, and what d’ye mean by that, ye have and then again ye haven‘t?”

“Well, Mick,” replied Patrick McMahon. “It’s like this. Ye see…I saw a chap who at first I thought was Fogarty. Then he saw a chap that he thought was me.”

“But, when we got up ta one another…it wasn’t neither of us.”

*****

May your home be filled with laughter
May your pockets be filled with gold
And may you have all the happiness
Your Irish heart can hold.

*****

Regardless of your heritage, your politics or your ethnicity, how can you not appreciate Celtic Woman? Here they are singing “Ave Maria.”

 

Irish Drinking Stories, Proverbs and Blessings Once Again

Coin Flip

It is time for more Irish drinking stories, Irish blessings and Irish proverbs. Here are my latest:

Ballerina

A large obnoxious woman, wearing a sleeveless dress, walks into McCafferty‘s Pub and eyes the patrons drinking at the bar. Raising her right arm and revealing a huge, hairy armpit, she points to all the people sitting on bar stools and asks, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?”

The whole bar is struck silent as each patron tries his best to ignore her. However, down at the end of the bar, old Colin Collins, drunk as could be, slams his money down on the bar bellowing, “Give the ballerina a drink!”

McCafferty, the bartender, pours the lady a pint of Guinness and she downs the entire drink immediately. Turning again to the pub’s patrons, she again points at all of them with a sweep of her immense arm, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asks, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?”

And again, old Colin slaps his money down upon the bar, saying: “Give the ballerina another drink!”

McCafferty approaches Colin asking “Colin, my old friend, it is your business if you want to buy this woman a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?”

Old Colin, in his drunken stupor, replies, “Any woman who can lift her leg that high has to be a ballerina!”

*****

May you have the hindsight to know where you’ve been
the foresight to know where you’re going
and the insight to know when you’re going too far.

*****

May we be alive at the same time next year.

*****

Devotion to Your Lover

Timothy O’Sullivan and Michael O’Connor were out hacking at the fairways one beautiful Spring day.

Just as Timothy was about to chip onto the 9th green, he spied a long funeral procession parading down the road adjacent to the golf course.

Timothy halted his swing, removed his cap, and bowed his head reverently in prayer.

Upon seeing his friend responding so fervently to the funeral procession Michael said, “Timmy, I am amazed at ye. That is one of the most remarkably touching things I have ever seen ye do. Ye are truly kind and a man of God, ye are.”

To which Timothy replied, “Well, ye know, it’s the least I can do. We were married 35 years, we were.”

*****

May you have warm words on a cold evening,
a full moon on a dark night,
and a smooth road all the way to your door.

*****

A true Irishman won’t eat meat on Friday, but will drink gin for breakfast.

*****

Modern Medicine

Old Thomas O’Doherty was increasingly afflicted with terrible headaches as he aged. Eventually his love life began to suffer because of the headaches, so he decided to seek medical advice.

However, he went from one specialist to another without finding a cure. One day he went to see Dr. Flynn, who finally was able to solve Thomas’ headache affliction.

Said Dr. Flynn, “I have both good and bad news. The good news is I can cure your headaches, but the bad news is that the cure will require the surgical removal of your testicles.”

“I am afraid that you have an unusually rare condition that causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The resulting pressure is creating one enormous headache, and the only way to ease the pressure is to take out your testicles.”

Poor Thomas took the news with both shock and despair. “Do I have anything left to live for?” He wondered.

But Thomas felt so anguished, he could not even formulate an answer to his own question. However, he finally decided that he had no choice. The testicles must go.

After the surgery as Thomas left the hospital, he rejoiced that his headaches were now gone. However, he felt depressed because an important part of himself was also gone.

While walking down the street, he realized that his life might now be greatly improved. He could now make a new beginning for himself and live a pain free life.

As he strode past a men’s clothing store, Thomas thought, “A new suit would be a fitting celebration.”

After entering the shop Thomas told the salesman, “I have decided to treat myself to a new suit.”

After eyeing Thomas from head to toe, the salesman said, “You look like a size 44 long.”

Thomas was amazed and laughed, “however did you know?”

“It’s my job,” replied the salesman.

Upon trying on a 44 long, Thomas found that it fit perfectly. As Thomas admired himself in the mirror, the salesman inquired, “Perhaps you would like a new shirt to compliment your new suit?”

Thomas responded, “Why not?”

Once again the salesman eyed Thomas’ neck and arms, saying, “Looks to me like a 16 and one half neck and a 35 sleeve.”

“That is amazing,” said Thomas. “But however did you know?”

“It’s my job,” said the salesman.

As Thomas tried on the shirt, of course it fit perfectly. Then the salesman asked, “I believe that we have the perfect new shoes to go with your new suit!”

Thomas replied, “Let’s go for it!”

Once again the salesman’s magic eye perused Thomas’ feet, and he said, “I believe 9-1/2 E.”

Thomas was astonished, “Right again! However did you know?”

“It’s my job,” responded the salesman.

Naturally, the shoes fit perfectly. As Thomas admired his new look in the mirror, the salesman said, “Underwear!”

Immediately Thomas replied, “Alright.”

As he eyed Thomas again the salesman said, “Size 36 waist.”

This time Thomas laughed, “It looks like I’ve got you this time. I have worn size 34 since I was only 18 years old.”

But the salesman shook his head saying, “Sir, you cannot wear a size 34. That would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one enormous headache.”

*****

An Irishman believes that to forgive is divine, and therefore doesn’t exercise it himself.

*****

Here’s to you, as good as you are.
Here’s to me as bad as I am.
As good as you are and as bad as I am,
I’m as good as you are, as bad as I am.

The video below is Celtic Woman singing “Over the Rainbow.”

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A Pack of Irish Drinking Stories, Irish Blessings and Irish Proverbs

For your edification and enjoyment, may I present to you another pack of Irish drinking stories, Irish blessings and Irish proverbs:

Paddy was trapped in a bog and thought himself to be a goner when Big Mick O’Reilly happened to wander by.

“Help! Help me!” Paddy yelled, “Oi’m sinking!”

“Don’t you worry yourself, Paddy,” said Mick assuredly. “Next to the Strong Man Muldoon, Oi’m the strongest lad in Erin, I am. Oi’ll pull ye right out of that mess, I will.”

With that, Big Mick leaned over grabbing Paddy’s hand and he pulled and he pulled, but to no avail.

Two more times, Big Mick pulled, but still no luck. After the last attempt, Mick said to Paddy, “Sure, but Oi cannot do it, Paddy. The Strong Man Muldoon could do it alone, maybe, but Oi’ll have to go get us some help.”

As Mick was preparing to leave to get help, Paddy called out, “Mick! Mick! Do ye think it would help if Oi pulled me feet out of the stirrups?”

*****

It s no use carrying an umbrella if your shoes are leaking

*****

Leprechauns, castles
good luck and laughter,
lullabies, dreams
and love ever after.
Poems and songs
with pipes and drums,
a thousand welcomes
when anyone comes…
That’s the Irish for you!

*****

This transcript of official Court testimony reportedly occurred in County Cork court, deep in Munster, Ireland:

Said the court Solicitor, “Now, if you please, Mr. O’Flaherty, at the scene of the accident, did you tell the Garda officer that you had never felt better in your life?”

O’Flaherty, a farmer, replied, “That’s correct, sir. Yes, I did.”

The Solicitor then asked, “Well, Mr. O’Flaherty, would you please tell the court how can it be that you are now claiming to be seriously injured when my client’s car hit your cart?”

O’Flaherty replied, “When the Garda arrived, he walked over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him without even a how do you do.”

“Then he walked over to Darcy, my dear dog, my lifelong companion, who was also quite badly hurt, and shot him.”

“So, when the Garda asked me how I felt, under the circumstances, I thought that it was a wise choice of words to say I’d never felt better in me life.”

*****

The best way to keep loyalty in a man’s heart is to keep money in his purse.

*****

A group of hunters, out on holiday, were driving along searching for a place to hunt, when they pulled their vehicle into a farmer’s yard in County Waterford, Munster, Ireland. Sean, the driver, approached the farmhouse to ask the farmer for his permission to hunt on his land.

The owner, an old farmer, said, “Sure you can hunt, but would you be doing me a favor, sir? My old donkey standing over there is 20 years old now. She is deathly sick with cancer, but I just don’t have the heart to kill her meself. Would you do it for me?”

Sean answered, “Of course I will.”

While returning to the car, however, Sean decided to play a trick on his hunting buddies. He got into the car and said nothing.

Naturally, his buddies anxiously asked if the farmer had given his permission to hunt.

Sean said, “No, that old farmer said we can’t hunt here. So I’m going to teach that old man a lesson he won’t forget.”

With that, Sean lowered the window on his side of the car, pointed his gun out the window and shot the donkey. Then he shouted, “To be sure, that will teach the old timer.”

At that moment a second shot rang out from the passenger side of the vehicle and one of his hunting mates yelled, “And me, begorra, I got the cow.”

*****

Walls for the wind,
And a roof for the rain,
And drinks beside the fire.
Laughter to cheer you
And those you love near you,
And all that your heart may desire!

*****

Since it is Christmas, a fitting video is “O Holy Night” sung by Celtic Woman:

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A Plethora of Irish Drinking Stories, Irish Blessings and Irish Proverbs

Once again we have the pleasure of posting some funny Irish drinking stories, some heart warming Irish blessings and insightful Irish proverbs:

Poor Mrs. Molly McGuire entered the local newspaper establishment to pay for the obituary for her dear departed husband, Peter.

Said the kindly newspaperman the charge was a dollar a word and he remembered Peter and wasn’t it too bad about him passing away though.

Molly thanked him for his kind words, but bemoaned the fact that she had but two dollars to her name. So she wrote out the obituary, “Peter died.”

The newspaperman said he thought that old Peter deserved a mite more than that, and, yes, he would give her three more words at no extra charge.

Mrs. Molly thanked him for his generosity during her time of need and rewrote the obituary: “Peter died. Boat for sale.”

*****

You’ll never plow a field by turning it over in your mind.

*****

A constable pulls up two Irish drunks, then says to the first one, “Okay then, Seamus. What’s your name and address?”

The first drunk replies, “My name isn’t Seamus. I’m Paddy O’Day, of no fixed address, thank you very much.”

The constable turns his attention to the second drunk and asks, “Okay then, Seamus. It’s your turn, What is your name and address?”

The second drunk replies, “My name isn’t Seamus either. I’m Sean O’Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy.”

*****

May the love and protection
Saint Patrick can give
Be yours in abundance
As long as you live.

*****

How do you sink an Irish submarine?

Knock on the hatch.

*****

What butter and whiskey will not cure there’s no cure for.

*****

A solicitor was questioning his new client, “Well, Mrs. O’Hara, it’s a divorce you want, is it? So tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?”

“Oh, no!” exclaimed the Missus. ” We have no grudge. Sure enough now, it’s a carport we have, it is.”

So the solicitor tried again. “Well now, does the man beat you up, does he?”

“Oh, land sakes no!” said Mrs. O’Hara, looking somewhat puzzled. “Oi’m always the first one out of bed, I am.”

Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. “Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?”

“Well now, he does play the flute, he does. But I don’t think he knows a thing about the connubial,” answered the Missus.

The solicitor was getting desperate, but he pushed on nonetheless. “What I’m trying to find out, Mrs. O’Hara, is what grounds do you have.”

“Bless you, sir. But, we live in a flat, to be sure. There’s not even a window box, let alone grounds, sir.”

“Mrs. O’Hara,” the solicitor said in a state of considerable exasperation, “you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?”

“Ah, well now,” said the lady, “Sure it’s because the man cannot hold an intelligent conversation.”

*****

A remarkable gift to the world is Irish culture as presented by Celtic Woman. Here is a video of The Last Rose of Summer.

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This is Redneck Woman

This is redneck woman; hear her roar. And roar she does; loud and clear.

If you thought that men were the only rednecks out there, you were dead redneck wrong. Behind most male rednecks, there often beats the heart of a less-than-gorgeous redneck woman. And Bubba, these women are no strangers to the redneck way of life.

These beauties come in every shape and size, and most of them put their man to shame when it comes to that redneck attitude. Like your typical weekend athlete, these women know how to make the worst out of any situation. Anything that can go wrong usually will.

You may feel just a little bit sorry for that tiny little boy on the slide that was squashed by the clumsy redneck woman who fell on top of him. But that little Joe Bob may just as well get used to it. If he manages to live long enough to become an actual redneck himself, his redneck woman will probably be squashing him both mentally and emotionally on a regular basis.

It seems to come with the redneck territory.

More Redneck Videos…

More Redneck humor…

Try Redneck Graffiti…