Holy Hotline

An intensely Catholic Irish-American couple was on vacation in Italy visiting the Vatican, when they thought, “why not try to get an audience with the Pope?” Upon their inquiry the Vatican’s representative apologized saying it just would not be possible given the pope’s busy schedule. Michael, the husband, persisted, saying that they were very active members of the church back in America and gave quite generously when the collection basket was passed.

The representative asked the couple to wait while he inquired about the possibility of an audience. He soon returned to Michael and his wife, Kathleen, and was all smiles. It seems that Michael and Kathleen were very strong supporters of the church, indeed, and his holiness had a recent cancellation in his very busy schedule. Would they please follow him?

As they were introduced to the pontiff, both Michael and Kathleen were awestruck by the ornate gildings of the pope’s office. There was even what appeared to be a solid gold telephone on the pope’s desk. After the necessary introductions and initial small talk Michael could not keep himself from asking about that gold telephone. Was is special?

“It is very special,” replied the pope. “That gold telephone is a direct hotline to God. I use that phone when I need divine guidance.”

Michael asked if it would be possible that he could use that phone to speak directly with God.

“Well, ordinarily,” said the pope, “that would not be possible. But since you are such strong supporters of the church, I could make an exception. However, the toll for one call is $5,000.”

Although Michael was intensely Catholic, he was also intensely frugal, and he politely declined the offer. “Perhaps on their next visit to the Vatican,” he said.

After their Vatican visit Michael and Kathleen stopped off for a short stay in Ireland just as any good Irish-American couple would. Upon arrival they made their way to County Cork, which was the home of both Michael and Kathleen’s ancestors, and they stopped at McCafferty’s Pub for a short one.

As the barkeep served up their pints, Michael spied a solid gold telephone hanging on the wall behind the bar. “Is that gold phone a direct hotline to God?” asked Michael.

“It is,” replied the barkeep. “Would you like to call the Lord God, Himself? The cost is only 25 cents.”

“25 cents!” shouted Michael. “We just came from the Vatican and the cost there is $5,000. How can you charge just 25 cents?”

“Because,” replied the barkeep. “Here, it’s a local call.”

Copyright 2007. Seamus McCafferty. All rights reserved.

First Mortgage

A pit bull was sitting around the dog house one day and decided that his tattered home needed a make over. “I have to get a home improvement loan to fix this place up,” he thought. “This place is going to the dogs.”

So he trotted down to his local mortgage company to inquire about a mortgage and was greeted by Patricia Whack, a brand new loan officer starting her first day on the job.

Patricia was a bit unnerved that her very first customer would be a dog–and a pit bull at that. However, she took it in stride and began taking the loan application.

The pit bull was also concerned that he might not get the loan because, after all, he was just a dog. So he decided to embellish things a bit by mentioning that his father was none other than Mick Jagger.

“Really?“ said Patricia, looking a bit incredulous. The dog also produced a small, porcelain pink elephant to use as additional collateral.

After taking the loan application, Patricia took the papers into her boss’s office to get the loan approved. Naturally, she was somewhat anxious to complete her first transaction as a loan officer, and she remembered the pink elephant the pit bull had given her. As her manager studied the pit bull’s loan application she took out the small trinket and said, “he also gave me this as collateral. What is it?”

Looking up, her boss replied, “It’s a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the dog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

Copyright 2007. Seamus McCafferty. All rights reserved.

Irish Viagra

A newlywed Irish lass visited her physician to inquire about reviving her new husband’s tarnished libido.

“What about trying Viagra?” asks the doctor.

“Not a chance,” she said. “He won’t even take an aspirin!”

“Not to fret,” replied the doctor. “Give him an Irish Viagra.”

“What’s an Irish Viagra, Doctor?”

“That’s where you just drop the Viagra into his morning coffee, He won’t even taste it,” replied the doctor. “Give it a try, and call me in a week to let me know how things went.”

It wasn’t a week later that she called the doctor, who inquired as to the medication’s progress.

The lass exclaimed, “Oh, faith, t’was horrid, just horrid, doctor!”

“Really” What happened?” asked the doctor.

“Well, I did just as you advised me to do and slipped the Viagra into his morning coffee. It took effect immediately, and he jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth a flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me right on the tabletop! T’was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!”

“Why so terrible?” asked the doctor. “Do you mean the sex your husband gave you wasn’t any good?”

“Oh, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! T’was the best sex I’ve ever had! But sure as I’m sittin’ here, I’ll never be able to show my face in Starbucks again!”

Try Irish Drinking humor

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