A redneck goes into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that can cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends a top of the line model, and the redneck, who is very impressed, buys it.
He returns it to the store the next day, saying, “this chain saw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took the whole damn day!”
The salesman takes the chain saw and starts it up to see what’s wrong. The redneck looks puzzled and says, “Hey, what the heck is that noise?”
A redneck family from rural Alabama was shopping at a mall in the big city. It was their first time in a mall, so they were experiencing culture shock big time. The father and son decided to stroll around as the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but two shiny, silver walls that would silently move apart and then slide back together again especially caught their attention.
The boy asked, “Pa, What’s ‘dat?”
Pa (who had never seen an elevator) replied, “I Dunno, son. I ain’t never seen nuttin’ like ‘dat in my whole dang life. I ain’t got no idea’r what it ’tis.”
Then, while the two stared in amazement, an enormously overweight, frumpy, older lady waddled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. Once the walls opened, she waddled between them into a tiny room. After the walls closed again, the two watched the little numbers above the walls light up in sequence. They watched as the top number finally lit up. Then, they watched, as the small lights began to work their way back down.
When the walls opened again, out stepped a beautiful, curvy, 20-year-old blonde in a tight fitting, skimpy, little dress.
Quietly, still watching the gorgeous young woman, the Pa said to his son, “Boy . . . go . . . git . . . yo . . . Momma.”
Jim Bob and Bubba were shooting the breeze one day when Jim Bob told Bubba, “Ya know, I figger I’m dab near ready fer a ‘nother vacation. Only this year I’m gwan do it a bit different. The last several years, I took your advice about where to go.”
Three years ago, you told me to go to Hawaii. Wal, I went to Hawaii and Jolene got pregnant.
Then, two years ago, you said, “Go to the Bahamas,” and dadburnit! Jolene got pregnant again.
Then, last year, you said, “Try Tahiti.” Wal, shoot! She got herself pregnant last year too!
Bubba asked Jim Bob, “So, what you gwan do different this year?”
Jim Bob replied, “This year, she‘s goin’ with me!”
Joe Bob has been in the business world for 20+ years and is worn out from all of the stress. He quits his job and buys 40 acres and a cabin in the remote regions of Montana–as far as he can get from the rest of humanity. His only human contacts are the postman, who visits once a week, and when he stops at the local market for groceries about once a month. Other than that, his life is absolute peace and tranquility with no human interaction.
After six months of living in nearly total isolation, as he is finishing dinner one evening, someone knocks on his door. Upon opening it he is confronted with a large, bearded man.
“Name’s Mike…your neighbor from five miles West of here. I’m having a party on Saturday and thought you’d like to come.”
“Great,” says Joe Bob. “After six months out here I’m ready to meet some local folks.”
“Thank you,” says Mike. As he is leaving, he stops, turns and says to Joe Bob, “Gotta warn you. There’s gonna be some drinkin’ goin’ on.”
“Not a problem. After 20 years in the business world, I can drink with the best of them.”
Again, as he starts to leave, Mike stops and says, “More ‘n’ likely, there’s gonna be some fightin’ too.”
Joe Bob says, “Well, I know how to get along with people. I can take care of myself and I’ll be there. Thanks again.”
Again, Mike stops and says, “I’ve seen some wild sex at these parties, too.”
“Now that’s not a problem,” says Joe Bob, “I’ve been all alone for six whole months! I’ll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?”
Mike stops in the door once again and says, “Whatever you want…just gonna be the two of us.”
You might be a redneck:
You might be a redneck:
You might be a redneck:
Yep! It’s thanks again to Jeff Foxworthy for his redneck gems.
Suzy Lee fell in love.
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy about it all,
She told her pappy so.
Pappy told her, “Suzie Gal
You’ll have to find another.
I’d just as soon yo maw don’t know,
But Joe is yo half-brother.”
So Suzie forgot about her Joe
And planned to marry Will.
But after telling pappy this,
He said “There’s trouble still.”
“You can’t marry Will, my gal
and please don’t tell yo mother,
Cause Will and Joe and several mo
I know is yo half-brother.”
But mama knew and said “Honey chile,
Do what makes yo happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe,
You ain’t no kin to pappy!”
Jeff Foxworthy is the man when it comes to redneck jokes. Here are a few of his gems:
You might be a redneck if:
You might be a redneck if:
You might be a redneck if:
The following sign was posted in the men’s room of a local drinking establishment (not McCafferty’s Pub):
McCafferty Himself 