Rednecks on Sale

Billy Joe sees a sign in a Dallas store window and immediately comes up with an idea.

The sign says: “Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each, Trousers $2.50 per pair”.

Billy Joe says to his brother, “Jim Bob, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and when we get back to Mississippi, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking ‘cause if they hear our accent, they might try to cheat us. I’ll speak in my best Texas drawl.”

They go in and Billy Joe says, “I’ll take 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each. I’ll back up my pickup and ……”

The store owner interrupts him, “You’re from Mississippi, aren’t you?”

“Well…yes,” says a surprised Billy Joe. “How do you know that?”

The owner says, “This is a dry cleaners.”

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Redneck and Australian Aborigine Love

Two Australian Aborigine guides were walking in the outback with a vacationing American redneck, when, suddenly, one of the Aborigines ran up a hill toward the mouth of a small cave. “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” the Aborigine yelled into the cave. Then he carefully listened, hoping for a special answer.

“Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” he heard from the cave.

Tearing off his clothes, he ran into the cave. The redneck, looking puzzled, asked the other Aborigine what that was all about. Had the other Aborigine gone crazy?

“Oh no,” replied the Aborigine. “It is a mating ritual custom. When Aborigine men see a cave, they holler, ‘Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!’ into the opening. If they get an answer from inside the cave, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate.”

Just then they saw another cave. The second Aborigine ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and hollered, “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” Immediately, there was the answer of “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” from far inside the cave.

Aborigine number 2 tore off his clothes and darted into the cave.

After that, the redneck wandered around the outback alone until he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, “Whoa, doggies! Look at the size of this cave! It is much bigger than the ones the Aborigines found. There must be a very fine woman waiting in this cave!”

As he stood in front of the opening, he hollered with all his might “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!”

Eyes closed and grinning in anticipation, he soon heard the resounding answer he had hoped for, “WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!”

With a glint in his eyes and a huge smile on his face, he sped into the cave, ripping off his clothes while he ran.

The next day, the headline of the local newspaper read, “Naked Redneck Run Over By Freight Train.”

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Redneck Graffiti Again

That Billy Bob is a real shark, he is.

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More Redneck Jokes

Here are some more redneck jokes. Most have been around for awhile, but some are new to me. If you haven’t heard them before, they can still be funny.

You might be a redneck if:

Your uncle’s return mailing address is the Department of Corrections.

Your wife refuses a window seat on the airplane because she just got her hair done.

You kept that fire you had in your bathroom from spreading to the house.

You buy your sushi at the corner bait store.

You think the first day of deer hunting season is a religious holiday.

You think “coke” is brown, wet and served with ice.

You think your son has a new girl friend because he’s trying to score some “mary jane.”

You “shop” for golf balls at the driving range at midnight.

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Redneck Graffiti

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Redneck Heaven Video

Redneckin’ don’t git any better ‘n dis.

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Redneck Pig

City Slicker, Jim Bob stopped in to see his cousin, Billy Ray, whom he hadn’t seen for a couple of years. As he drove in to the farmyard, Jim Bob couldn’t help but notice a three legged pig running around in the farmyard.

After a little small talk, Jim Bob finally had to ask Billy Ray about the three legged pig.

“Wal, dat dere is the best dern pig I ever had,” said Billy Ray. “He helps round up all of the cows without any help, and he comes and fetches me right away if any of the horses get out of the corral.”

Jim Bob was impressed.

“Not only that,” said Billy Ray. “He came and woke me up one night when the barn started on fire. That pig, wakin’ me like that, saved me losin’ a bunch of my stock and saved me a whole lot ‘o money. Wal, I coulda lost the whole barn.”

Again, Jim Bob was impressed.

“But, the best thing he ever did was save the life of my two-year-old son, Linus. Linus wandered out onto the highway over yonder just when a big semi was steamin’ down the road. That pig ran out into the highway and dragged young Linus back to the side of the road kickin’ ‘n screamin’. That semi would have hit and killed Linus, as sure as I’m standin’ here.”

“Well, Billy Ray, that’s just remarkable, that a pig could do that,” said Jim Bob. “But, why does it have only three legs?”

“Wal,” said Billy Ray. “When ya’ have a terrific pig like that, ya’ don’t want to eat it all at once.”

Copyright 2007. Seamus McCafferty. All rights reserved.

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Redneck Chainsaw

A redneck goes into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that can cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends a top of the line model, and the redneck, who is very impressed, buys it.

He returns it to the store the next day, saying, “this chain saw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took the whole damn day!”

The salesman takes the chain saw and starts it up to see what’s wrong. The redneck looks puzzled and says, “Hey, what the heck is that noise?”

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Redneck Elevator

A redneck family from rural Alabama was shopping at a mall in the big city. It was their first time in a mall, so they were experiencing culture shock big time. The father and son decided to stroll around as the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but two shiny, silver walls that would silently move apart and then slide back together again especially caught their attention.

The boy asked, “Pa, What’s ‘dat?”

Pa (who had never seen an elevator) replied, “I Dunno, son. I ain’t never seen nuttin’ like ‘dat in my whole dang life. I ain’t got no idea’r what it ’tis.”

Then, while the two stared in amazement, an enormously overweight, frumpy, older lady waddled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. Once the walls opened, she waddled between them into a tiny room. After the walls closed again, the two watched the little numbers above the walls light up in sequence. They watched as the top number finally lit up. Then, they watched, as the small lights began to work their way back down.

When the walls opened again, out stepped a beautiful, curvy, 20-year-old blonde in a tight fitting, skimpy, little dress.

Quietly, still watching the gorgeous young woman, the Pa said to his son, “Boy . . . go . . . git . . . yo . . . Momma.”

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Redneck Vacation

Jim Bob and Bubba were shooting the breeze one day when Jim Bob told Bubba, “Ya know, I figger I’m dab near ready fer a ‘nother vacation. Only this year I’m gwan do it a bit different. The last several years, I took your advice about where to go.”

Three years ago, you told me to go to Hawaii. Wal, I went to Hawaii and Jolene got pregnant.

Then, two years ago, you said, “Go to the Bahamas,” and dadburnit! Jolene got pregnant again.

Then, last year, you said, “Try Tahiti.” Wal, shoot! She got herself pregnant last year too!

Bubba asked Jim Bob, “So, what you gwan do different this year?”

Jim Bob replied, “This year, she‘s goin’ with me!”

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Redneck Party Jokes

Joe Bob has been in the business world for 20+ years and is worn out from all of the stress. He quits his job and buys 40 acres and a cabin in the remote regions of Montana–as far as he can get from the rest of humanity. His only human contacts are the postman, who visits once a week, and when he stops at the local market for groceries about once a month. Other than that, his life is absolute peace and tranquility with no human interaction.

After six months of living in nearly total isolation, as he is finishing dinner one evening, someone knocks on his door. Upon opening it he is confronted with a large, bearded man.

“Name’s Mike…your neighbor from five miles West of here. I’m having a party on Saturday and thought you’d like to come.”

“Great,” says Joe Bob. “After six months out here I’m ready to meet some local folks.”

“Thank you,” says Mike. As he is leaving, he stops, turns and says to Joe Bob, “Gotta warn you. There’s gonna be some drinkin’ goin’ on.”

“Not a problem. After 20 years in the business world, I can drink with the best of them.”

Again, as he starts to leave, Mike stops and says, “More ‘n’ likely, there’s gonna be some fightin’ too.”

Joe Bob says, “Well, I know how to get along with people. I can take care of myself and I’ll be there. Thanks again.”

Again, Mike stops and says, “I’ve seen some wild sex at these parties, too.”

“Now that’s not a problem,” says Joe Bob, “I’ve been all alone for six whole months! I’ll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?”

Mike stops in the door once again and says, “Whatever you want…just gonna be the two of us.”

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Redneck Humor Is Back!

You might be a redneck:

• If you see a sign that says say no to crack and it reminds you to pull your jeans up.

You might be a redneck:

• If you’ve ever made change in the offering plate

You might be a redneck:

• If you go to the family reunion to meet women

Yep! It’s thanks again to Jeff Foxworthy for his redneck gems.

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More Redneck Humor

Suzy Lee fell in love.
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy about it all,
She told her pappy so.

Pappy told her, “Suzie Gal
You’ll have to find another.
I’d just as soon yo maw don’t know,
But Joe is yo half-brother.”

So Suzie forgot about her Joe
And planned to marry Will.
But after telling pappy this,
He said “There’s trouble still.”

“You can’t marry Will, my gal
and please don’t tell yo mother,
Cause Will and Joe and several mo
I know is yo half-brother.”

But mama knew and said “Honey chile,
Do what makes yo happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe,
You ain’t no kin to pappy!”

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Redneck Jokes

Jeff Foxworthy is the man when it comes to redneck jokes. Here are a few of his gems:

You might be a redneck if:

• You ever cut your grass and found a car.

You might be a redneck if:

• Your dad walks you to school because you’re in the same grade.

You might be a redneck if:

• You ever had to haul a can of paint to the top of a water tower to defend your sister’s honor.

Redneck Men’s Room Sign

The following sign was posted in the men’s room of a local drinking establishment (not McCafferty’s Pub):